


My Stolen Heart, My Crooked Fate

by crazyjane



Series: Shinbyeong [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Music, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Music, Musicians, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Schmoop, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-08-05 06:29:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16362659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane
Summary: When his role - never really in doubt - in the new group was finally confirmed, Hongbin couldn’t help himself. He laughed.Visual. Designated pretty boy. Soft, and soulful, and just a little naughty. Not a main vocalist (‘you’re good looking, but you can’t sing’). Not a dancer. Second string for everything that mattered. An ornament. An artwork. His job was to be the ideal, inaccessible dream boyfriend, the one whose name girls wrote on their school books. He’d be expected to blow kisses at the fans, make them believe he belonged only to them (nothing wins hearts like a blushing boy). Dressed up, and crowned with flowers. No more real than a character in a visual novel game.Sometimes, Hongbin felt like he’d been living a lie for years.*****Part 3 ofShinbyeong, Hongbin's story. It's considerably darker than Ravi's, or Hakyeon's.Please check tags and notes carefully. This work deals with issues of sexual violence (confined to chapter 3) and recovery. I will post a specific warning for chapter 3. If this is uncomfortable, it's possible to skip the chapter entirely, and still follow the story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vixxbitch (expoduck)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/expoduck/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Take More of Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112804) by [crazyjane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane). 



When his role - never really in doubt - in the new group was finally confirmed, Hongbin couldn’t help himself. He laughed. _Visual_. Designated pretty boy. Soft, and soulful, and just a little naughty. Not a main vocalist (‘you’re good looking, but you can’t sing’). Not a dancer. Second string for everything that mattered. An ornament. An artwork. His job was to be the ideal, inaccessible dream boyfriend, the one whose name girls wrote on their school books. He’d be expected to blow kisses at the fans, make them believe he belonged only to them (nothing wins hearts like a blushing boy). Dressed up, and crowned with flowers. No more real than a character in a visual novel game.

But it was his chance, so if he had to cover his irritation and nerves by flashing his dimples and feigning embarrassment, he’d do it. From the start, there was something about this group that was out of the ordinary. No one seemed content to simply be one thing, to churn out formulaic songs and videos. They wanted to go further; and there might just be a chance for him to go with them if he could put up with it long enough. So when they told him to look straight into the camera like it was the face of a beautiful girl, he went along with it. And if what he imagined was not a soft, shy kiss and a high giggle, but a strong mouth opening his up and taking possession, they never knew.

Sometimes, Hongbin felt like he’d been living a lie for years. Trying not to stare, but sneaking glances. Losing control of his heartbeat and breath at the shift and stretch of muscle. Holding back from a casual hug, to make sure he didn’t melt into it. Keeping eye contact, so that he didn’t give in to the impulse to just lean across and press his lips against skin. Pretending. Always pretending. Hongbin knew he had no business thinking like that about any man, that more than his job was at stake, but he couldn’t stop. He _wanted_ , so badly. Wanted a man’s weight on him, hands on his body, touching him everywhere. Wanted to know how it would feel to have a cock pushing into his mouth, what it would _taste_ like.

Having his life mapped out for him chafed. Every moment seemed to be on a schedule. If he wasn’t in the recording studio, he was in the hands of stylists, or getting regular medical checkups. Planning meetings, interviews, fan appearances, photoshoots, filming. His meal breaks were prescribed and timed. Even when, and for how long, he should ideally sleep - although there, at least, he had some control. They couldn’t see how he stayed awake long after everyone else had fallen asleep. They couldn’t monitor his dreams.

At the same time, it put the brakes on him, at least a little. If he was occupied every moment of the day, he couldn’t give in to his own impulses. He couldn’t dive into something that was still hardly even talked about, certainly not for idols. He wasn’t even sure he could go through with it, anyway. It was one thing to fantasise alone in the darkness of his own room; that was safe. And that was precisely the problem. He was living practically inside the skins of five other men, and he laughed about that to himself when he wasn’t climbing the walls. He no longer flinched if Jaehwan casually wandered into the bathroom while he was showering or when Taekwoon insisted on spoon-feeding him something he’d just cooked. Hyuk was harder to ignore, especially once he started growing into his own frame and lost his awkwardness about being physical with them all. More than once, lying awake in bed, Hongbin found himself idly wondering how it would feel to run his hands over Hyuk’s chest. But of them all, it was Hakyeon who kept him on edge.

Hakyeon. The leader, the one they were all told to respect because of his age and position. It shouldn’t have been difficult, but he was nothing like Hongbin had expected. Oh, when he wanted to, Hakyeon could be firm, even daunting. In the early days, he’d been able to reduce Hyuk to tears with just a few well-placed words (and even Hongbin himself, a weakness he’d despised). It was easy enough to build armour against that. What Hongbin wasn’t prepared for was how much Hakyeon liked to _touch_.

They were all expected to be physical with each other in front of the cameras. Hugs, falling asleep on someone’s shoulder, tickling and poking and rough-housing. It wasn’t scripted, but there was an understanding that they would do this for the fans. And the games, those stupid party tricks that had no purpose but to fuel fantasies. The worst was the mouth-to-mouth paper passing game, designed to make them practically kiss each other. There’d been so much embarrassment when it was first demonstrated, but there was no getting away from it. What the fans wanted, the fans got. Hongbin still remembered the time he’d missing taking it from Hakyeon, the paper slipping so that he accidentally planted his lips on the leader’s. The footage proved to be incredibly popular, turning up in several fan-made videos. That was inevitable, and Hongbin didn’t care. Stuck in his mind, though, was the ridiculous conviction that, just for a moment, Hakyeon had kissed him back.

But that was Hakyeon. He always took everything one step further than the others, playing with Hongbin like the pretty doll he was supposed to be, fussing with his hair, draping all over him so sometimes he practically had to carry the dancer if he wanted to move. Even on the rare occasions they got to relax at home, Hakyeon didn’t stop. Always touching, always coming out with compliments that bordered on the inappropriate (and sometimes waltzed merrily across that line). Hongbin pushed him away every chance he got. Letting his guard down wasn’t an option, because when he did, he found himself returning Hakyeon’s affection, and wishing it could be real. And why _Hakyeon_ , anyway? He wasn’t even Hongbin’s type (and he did have a type, tall, broad, strong enough to pick him up and pin him down). If he was going to fixate on anyone in the group, it should have been Wonsik, but he felt nothing beyond the most basic attraction towards the rapper. Something about Hakyeon just got under his skin, and he really needed to keep his mind well away from that.

When their music took a turn for the conceptual and the dark, it was like an answer to prayer. Not that Hongbin believed in much, but for once, something seemed to be on his side. It wasn’t just dressing up and singing lyrics that were uncomfortable; each new concept was built around who they were. They were encouraged to dig deep, find those parts of themselves that resonated with the themes. Their videos evolved from simple mood pieces and dance sequences to become stories in their own right. And with that, the lines between their respective roles began to blur. They still all had their strengths - no one could match Taekwoon’s soaring, crystal voice, or Hakyeon’s fluid grace - but one by one, they learned how to become more than they were.

Hongbin looked on every new concept as a gift. It didn’t matter what - obsession, heartache, insanity, everything was a chance for him to bleed out some of the tension that ate at him day and night. At those times he was all intensity and mania, wanting to go even further. Sometimes it took him in unexpected, even frightening ways, but that only made him plunge in deeper. The moment he’d slipped in those white contacts with the cross-shaped pupils, and stared back at himself out of a curse doll’s eyes, he’d felt as though something buried deep had woken up, and he couldn’t keep himself from slowly tilting his head to one side, baring his teeth in a lunatic grin. For the rest of the shoot, he rode the edge of madness, speaking truth disguised as lies, and he knew how much he scared those around him. He probably should have been sorry for that, but he couldn’t make himself feel anything but satisfaction. Everyone was still looking at him, but it was on _his_ terms. They saw nothing they expected and that meant he couldn’t be boxed, even in that tiny display case (and how he pounded against those perspex walls, until the director actually had to pull him back). It was completely intoxicating; he didn’t want it to end. When he finally crashed he slept almost around the clock, waking finally to the delicious sensation of loose muscles and easy breathing.

It was the same each time. Dragging parts of himself out into the light, playing make believe with everyone who praised him on his acting skills (if they only knew), out of his mind. When, filming _Error_ , he’d burst into real tears for a lost love who’d never existed, Hyuk had been the first to try to comfort him. The maknae grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug, warm hands and body on his cold, bare chest. It felt wonderful; it was everything Hongbin had been trying to avoid. The sobs died in his throat; he laughed bitterly, hopelessly. Tried to cover it by pushing Hyuk away - ‘I’m _acting_ , you idiot’ - but it was too late. There were cracks in his buffer, now. All because a stupid, interfering ( _hot, no, push that down_ ) maknae got to him when he was vulnerable.

Hongbin told himself that was why he bought a second phone, safely untraceable, through an old friend. Distraction. Curiosity. Something to fall back on. As long as he kept it locked, and well hidden, he could … explore. And signing up to the hookup app, that was just curiosity, too. Just wanting to know. Every rational thought urged him not do it, but just looking at the profile form had his nerves thrumming with the desire to declare himself, even hiding behind a username. The danger only made it more tempting. He lost his nerve twice, but finally entered a profile that gave away nothing, but said everything. And then deliberately let the battery go flat, tried not to think about who might be looking. He lasted less than a day before recharging it. Stayed awake all night, reading profiles, looking at photos of every part of men’s bodies, hot and cold and _wanting_.

He made a rule, no pictures of himself, ever, but they never stopped asking and he couldn’t get it out of his head. Then one night, when he was practically vibrating with nervous energy and at his most reckless, he couldn’t resist, hard just as the thought of it. Not giving himself time to think, he stripped off his t-shirt and lay down on his unmade bed. Just his bare chest, one hand splayed across it, framed to be as anonymous as possible, and his fingers hovered over the screen, shaking. Dragging in a ragged breath, he stabbed ‘send’, and threw the phone across the room, listening in disbelief to the notification chimes that sounded so quickly. _Blood in the water_. He stumbled across, silenced the phone. Scrolled through the messages, heart racing. Compliments. Propositions. Pleas for more pictures, specific in their requests and accompanied by photos of their own bodies. Descriptions of everything they’d like to do with him, to him, and his knees failed him. Collapsing onto the bed, he shoved his hand into his pants and wrapped it around his cock, twisting his upper body so that he was nearly face down. Within seconds his orgasm tore through him and he bit down on the sheet, stifling his cries as his body jerked and shuddered.

As soon as he could move, he rolled face-up and stared at the ceiling, trying to get himself under control. The phone's buzz hit him like an electric shock; reflexively, he brought it up in front of his eyes. The address of a club in Jongno. A description. And an instruction. < be there in 1 hr <it’ll be worth it. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t just sneak out to meet some stranger, but he was already diving for a towel and clean clothes. Shut out the voice that was screaming at him to stop.

When he finally made it back home, his hands were still shaking. He tiptoed through the common area, past the other bedrooms, fumbled at his own door. He had just enough strength to crawl onto his bed. Let the images in his mind and the sensations still sending aftershocks through his body ( _pushed up against the door of the bathroom stall, his tongue in a stranger’s mouth, a man on his knees, and ohgod, arching so violently his head hit the partition as he was engulfed, swallowed_ ) build, crest, and drown him. It had been incredible. Awful. Hollow. And he couldn’t wait to do it again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had so many rules. And, one by one, he broke them, chasing the danger.
> 
>  
> 
> ...
> 
> A hand snaked around his waist, pulled him backwards against another body, tall, well-muscled, so much bigger than he was. Hongbin closed his eyes and laughed, low in his throat. There was a voice by his ear, barely audible through the music: ‘ - _eat you alive’._
> 
> He hooked a finger into his mask and yanked it to one side. ‘Do it,’ he growled, rotating his hips against the hardness pressing into him. ‘Right here, right now.’

He had so many rules. And, one by one, he broke them, chasing the danger. 

Stay anonymous. He bought himself a black mouth mask to hide his identity, at least in public. It was supposed to be purely practical, but when he let a partner push him down, hook his fingers under it and take it off it was like being completely undressed. It was a different kind of thrill when they insisted he leave it on so that every sound they wrung from him was muffled, every breath a struggle. Soon, just the act of fastening it over his face became something charged. He started carrying it with him everywhere, shoved into a pocket where he could run his fingers across the soft material. 

No repeats. It was just sex, quick, dirty and anonymous; he moved from one to another to another, knowing nothing about them, not wanting to know. ( _Liar_ , but Hongbin wasn’t going to think about holding hands or kissing in the park. Or anything he could never have.) That didn’t stop them asking. And it didn’t stop the messages describing how they were still thinking about how it felt to have their cocks in his mouth, or what he sounded like when he came. He shouldn’t even have responded, but teasing them from the safety of his own room, lying to them about how he felt the same way, was a peculiar thrill all its own. Until he wasn’t lying anymore, and it wasn’t enough just to read about it. 

Stay in places where he could disappear back into a crowd as soon as they were done. Never get into a car, never go anywhere they’d be really alone. That meant bathrooms or private rooms in clubs. More than once, in a laneway where the risk of exposure was heightened. Where he fell against a wall barely out of the light, pants around his ankles, hand tangled in hair, shoving himself deep into yet another strange mouth. Tearing off his own mask and, for a little while, not caring who saw or heard. 

Until one man sucked and licked at Hongbin’s fingers to make them spit-slick, guided them, begged to be fucked. They stumbled to the nearby parked car, Hongbin climbing into the cramped space, snatching the offered condom. They tore at each other’s clothes, twisted and shifted until the stranger was under him, face down, hand behind his back holding out a small bottle. Hongbin, shaking and slippery, tried to slow down, but it was too much, and he buried himself deep in the man, thrust into him over and over. Felt the man come apart under him and around him, clenching, almost painful. Heard his own harsh cries, collapsed against the stranger, twitching and jerking, cock pulsing against the tight muscles. He looked up at the misted-over window that hid them from the world, reached out and deliberately wiped it clear.

After that he no longer had any hesitation about being alone with his strangers. The part of him that still had enough restraint to keep himself hidden from the rest of the group no longer had any power to stop him. Back seats, hotel rooms, apartments - nothing was off-limits anymore. He used his growing strength to pin them down, learned how to tie knots and find the right words to pour into their ears to drive them crazy, never let them do the same to him. Let himself get just drunk enough to let go, but be able to find his own way home afterwards. He was out of control, flying so high, and he knew it, but it was the only way he could stay sane enough to play the flower boy every other moment of his life, so he closed his eyes and told himself he’d never crash.

Hongbin never remembered the name of the club - if it even had one. Just another shabby basement in Jongno, bad acoustics and overpriced drinks, and his stranger had, apparently, succumbed to nerves and failed to appear. After he’d gone to all the trouble to look irresistible, tight leather pants, a sheer, black tank, just enough eyeliner. Going home was out of the question; Hongbin was too keyed up after a day of fan meets when, yet again, he’d been the target of Hakyeon’s affections. (Stupid and soft, he’d actually smiled when the leader stroked his face and sang to him.) Threading his way through to the bar, he downed shot after shot of ice-cold soju, grimacing against the burn in his throat. It raced through him, loosening his limbs, letting the beat get inside him and pull him to the middle of the room. _To hell with it_. If he couldn’t fuck he’d dance. He let himself go, threw his head back, and surrendered to the music. 

There were eyes on him, watching him spin, roll his body. He dropped his head, swayed, hands drifting down his chest, over his thighs, just skirting the growing bulge in his pants. Swivelled his hips, curled in on himself, jerked upright, hands flying up to slide over his throat, clasp his eyes, clenched his fists in his own hair and pulled, stretching high and undulating. Heat coiled low in his stomach, drunkenness and desire winding through his whole body; he felt like sin. Behind the mask, he grinned. _Yes. Look at me. I’m right in front of you, and you have no idea who I am_. 

A hand snaked around his waist, pulled him backwards against another body, tall, well-muscled, so much bigger than he was. Hongbin closed his eyes and laughed, low in his throat. There was a voice by his ear, barely audible through the music: ‘ - _eat you alive_ ’. 

He hooked a finger into his mask and yanked it to one side. ‘Do it,’ he growled, rotating his hips against the hardness pressing into him. ‘Right here, right now.’

A hand cupped his groin, circled. ‘Everyone can see you,’ purred the voice. Hongbin shuddered. ‘Look.’ He dropped his arm, slid his hand over the one at his crotch, pressed harder. Opened his eyes. A small space had cleared around them, just enough to allow an unobstructed view to those nearest. Some gazed openly; others, dancing with partners, darted sidelong glances towards him. One or two actually turned away, either sickened or embarrassed. Hongbin didn’t care which. 

‘That one wants you.’ The man behind him nudged Hongbin’s head to the side. There, just visible behind a trio of flushed young men. White-blond hair, almost glowing under the lights, long fringe hanging over his eyes. One of the men moved away in the direction of the bar, and Hongbin saw clearly. Exquisite, all cheekbones and slim hips and long, loose limbs, barely moving but Hongbin saw the muscles shift and flex, thought, _dancer_. And on the heels of that, _Hakyeon_. Frowned, ground himself against the man behind him, hissed at the surge that went through him as the watcher pinned him with an intense, hungry stare. 

_Those eyes_ … He recognised them, they belonged to the man who he thought had stood him up, who’d sent him just a closely cropped picture of his eyes, half-lidded but so clearly saying, _take me_. Who hadn’t been able to go through with it. For a moment he entertained the notion of slipping free, stalking the watcher across the club and pushing him up against the wall. The man behind him ran his tongue over Hongbin’s ear, murmured, ‘Want to fuck you.’ 

The one rule he hadn’t broken, never really been tempted to break. Had never wanted to be that vulnerable, no matter how often he’d fantasised about it. But he was drunk, and painfully hard, and heating up under the watcher’s gaze and the stranger’s hands. Threw caution to the wind, groaned, ‘What are you waiting for?’ Then the man was shoving him, steering him towards a door marked ‘Private’, past the watcher (who followed him all the way with those eyes, bottom lip caught between his teeth, colour high). _Had your chance_ , thought Hongbin. The door closed, cutting out all sound except for the driving beat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> As a thank you, I'm offering a gifted short fic to the first two people who identify the image of the 'watcher' at the end of the chapter. Please leave your guess in the comments.
> 
>  
> 
> Please note that Chapter 3 will contain a non-con element. It's essential to the story, but if readers prefer to skip it, I'll post a summary at the start of chapter 4.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Look at you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains explicit non-con elements that may be triggering.
> 
>  
> 
> I'll provide a summary in the notes for the next chapter for anyone who would prefer not to read the actual text.

The stranger caught him by the wrist and pulled him down a narrow corridor into a tiny room. Hongbin only had time to register a few details (red paint flaking off the walls, an old iron-frame bed with a bare mattress, a full-length mirror propped up beside it) before the man advanced on him and ripped the mask off completely, flinging it away. Grabbed him tightly by the hair, and kissed him with bruising force, forcing his tongue inside. Moaning, Hongbin wrapped himself around the man and let himself be devoured. He was shoved back, stumbled. Looked up in confusion, wide-eyed. 

‘Strip.’ It wasn’t a request. Hands trembling, Hongbin kicked off his boots, feeling the cold of the floor bite into his bare feet, then pulled the tank over his head and let it drop to the floor. He unbuttoned his pants, started to kick out of them. ‘Slow.’ Swallowing, he flattened his palms against the leather, dragged them down his legs. He gasped as his erection bobbed free. The stranger let out a long breath. ‘On the bed. Face down. Hands above your head.’ Hongbin froze. _I can still back out. Anything could happen._ And that was precisely the wrong thing to think, because now he knew he couldn’t stop. Moving on shaky legs, he knelt, leaned forward and stretched out full length. His cock rubbed against the rough cotton of the mattress and he bit back a groan. Without raising his head, he slid his arms up and locked his hands around the bars of the bed frame. 

The bed moved as the stranger climbed over Hongbin and straddled him. Leaning back, he ran his hands over Hongbin’s back, trailed one finger down his spine. “Ah. _Yes_ ,’ he breathed, as Hongbin bucked beneath him. ‘I thought so. You haven’t done this before.’ He shifted and leaned down. Hongbin felt warm breath ghost across his back, and then his hips were being lifted, buttocks spread. He couldn’t think; he’d never felt so exposed. Then, unbelievably, he felt the stranger’s tongue swirilng over his hole, the tip just darting inside. He convulsed, hands yanking at the frame. 

A broken moan spilled from his lips. He heard the snap of a bottle cap, flinched as cold liquid dribbled onto his skin. A finger circled, teasing, slowly slid into him, withdrew, slid in a little further. Hongbin’s breath stopped in his throat. He shook uncontrollably, twitched as the man pressed a kiss at the base of his spine. ‘Breathe. Ssh. Breathe,’ said the stranger. The commanding tone was gone; the voice was kind, soothing, and Hongbin felt the sting of tears behind his eyes, He slowly relaxed. Gasped as a second finger slipped in beside the first, then a third, scissoring, stretching, burning. Hongbin pushed his hips up, needing more, needing deeper. 

‘Now,’ he panted. ‘Now, now, _now_.’ And moaned in protest as the man withdrew his fingers. He let go of the frame, trying to twist himself over, reaching. A hand pressed between his shoulder blades, held him down. Then the man’s cock was pushing into him, hard, fast, all the way inside, and Hongbin _screamed_. It hurt, god, he was being torn apart, it was nothing like he’d imagined, and he was so fucking hard, he was going insane. He needed an anchor. His hands shot out and grabbed the bed frame again. The stranger pulled him backwards, at full stretch, snapped up his hips and his cock slid over Hongbin’s sweet spot, again and again. Hongbin writhed, sobbing, begging, _no, too far, too far, stop, I can’t, -_

A hand wound into his hair, pulling his head up, twisted so that he was staring directly at the mirror. Naked, flushed, completely helpless; the man - still fully clothed, only his pants open - fucking him hard, teeth clenched, eyes roaming all over Hongbin’s reflected body. It terrified him ( _stop_ ). Drove him higher ( _no_ ). He couldn’t look away . The fingers tightened in his hair, and he saw the man’s face contort. ‘Look at you. So hot, so fucking tight, _look at you_ , come for me, come, come now,’ and his voice sank deep, made Hongbin shake, ripped a wretched groan from him. His whole body bowed, jerked, and he was coming, biting down on his lips, staring into his own eyes as the tears spilled over. So lost that he couldn’t feel anything else until a stranger collapsed beside him, and something wet landed in the small of his back. 

‘Fuck,’ the man groaned. Prying his hands from around the bars, Hongbin reached for him, trembling. Before he could touch, his wrist was seized. ‘We’re done. Get out.’ Hongbin couldn’t make any sense of his words, tried to free himself. ‘Go on.’ The man punctuated his words with a quick shove, turned his face away. Hongbin half-fell from the bed, ended up on his hands and knees, gasping with the pain of movement, reaction finally setting in, alcohol mixing sickeningly with adrenalin. He brushed at his back, dislodging the condom that had simply been dropped on him. Sucking in desperate, shallow breaths, he fumbled for his clothes and boots. Looked around wildly for his mask, couldn’t see it. Stumbled to his feet, threw himself out of the room. Saw stairs leading up, an exit, went through it into a laneway, fell back against the wall, wrapped his arms around his middle and tried not to shake apart. 

He didn’t remember getting home, just the feel of the shower, turned up hot enough to sting, whimpering in pain as he scrubbed at himself, muscles twitching and shudders racking his whole body. _Stupid, stupid, too far_. Slowly, he calmed. _Breathe_ , he told himself, and flinched as he heard a stranger’s voice. _Push that down_. Bed, he needed to be in his own bed. He twisted the tap to shut off the water. Stepped out and snagged a towel. Made it to his room, hugging the wall, crawled into bed and dragged the covers around him. Closed his eyes. _Safe_. 

His phone chimed. 

It was pure reflex to reach over, unlock it, tap the notification. His finger hovered, prepared to swipe away whatever message was waiting for him. _A video_? He groaned softly; he just wasn’t able to deal with it. But it was already loading, and Hongbin pushed his fist against his mouth to stifle the cry that broke from him as he saw himself just as he’d looked in the mirror, completely exposed, a stranger’s cock pistoning into him, mouth working as he came. His head swam; he was gasping, hyperventilating, couldn’t slow his breathing. _What did I do, what did I do, what have I done_. 

The video was replaced by a line of text, just three words that hit him so hard the phone slipped from nerveless fingers as his eyes rolled back in his head and blackness closed in. 

_Look at you_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>    
>  _Real, it happened, too far, oh god, real, stop it, stop shaking, push it down, get up, move._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> *****
> 
> He had to see how far until he hit the ground.
> 
> It was so much further than he thought. And it followed him on tour. Not safe even thousands of kilometres away, with barely a moment to himself, surrounded by people who seem to care about him. (And if they knew who he really was, they wouldn’t be so quick to offer that unconditional support he got without asking, and didn’t deserve.) He stumbled through the days of rehearsal and appearances, really only alive when he was performing, layering on persona after persona. Begged off socialising. Woke in the middle of the night tangled in hotel sheets, screaming into his pillow. 
> 
> And always, always, the phone chime that told him it wasn’t over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely readers!
> 
> For anyone who needed to skip chapter 3, here's a short summary so that you're up to date.
> 
> After growing increasingly reckless, Hongbin lets himself get picked up by a man who takes advantage of his inexperience. Although it starts out as consensual-but-risky, it turns into something entirely different. In shock, confused, shamed, and blaming himself, Hongbin stumbles home. Then he receives a video message from the man, of him, taken without his knowledge, his face clearly visible. It's accompanied by a text message that simply says 'Look at you'.

Tapping noise, faint but insistent, breaking through. Reluctantly, Hongbin stirred. He was tangled in the covers, one arm hanging down to the floor. All he wanted to do was sleep, and he couldn’t remember why. A voice called, muffled. It sounded like Hakyeon. Licking very dry lips, Hongbin tried to answer, managed only a croak. His mouth tasted foul. He lifted his head very slightly from the mattress and winced at the sudden spike of pain. 

The door opened; Hakyeon half-stepped into the room. ‘Hongbin-ah? Wake up, now. We will be late.’ The leader’s words made no sense. ‘You still have time to shower, but the car is due in less than an hour.’ Footsteps, coming closer. ‘Even Taekwoon-ah is up before you,’ the leader said in a teasing voice. Groaning, Hongbin went to flap a hand to shoo him away. His knuckles knocked against something on the floor. _Phone_ , and his eyes flew open, narrowing against the stab of daylight. He managed to slide it under the bed just before Hakyeon sat down. ‘Are you unwell, Hongbin-ah? Shall I call the doctor?’ 

That was enough to get Hongbin moving. He pushed himself up on his elbows. ‘No,’ he rasped, cleared his throat, tried again. ‘No, I’ll be all right, hyung, I just have a headache.’ It wasn’t true; his neck felt overstretched, his back was full of knots, his stomach roiling, and there was an awful, deep pain at his core. Something was trying to surface in his mind, something that set his pulse jumping. _Move_. He started to sit up, the covers pooling around his waist, starting to slip to one side. Hakyeon blinked, coloured. Hongbin made a quick grab for the sheet, held it in front of himself. 

‘Are you sure?’ asked Hakyeon. ‘You don’t look well at all. Do you have a fever?’ He reached out to lay a hand against Hongbin’s forehead. 

With a sudden flash of anger, Hongbin jerked his head away, snapped, ‘I said it was just a headache. I’ll be fine. Go away and let me get ready.’ He was aware he was being inexcusably rude, but the thought of Hakyeon ( _anyone_ ) touching him had him on the edge of panic. Without another word, the leader got up and left the room. ‘Hyung!’ Hongbin called after him. ‘I’m sorry. I -’ The door shut. Frowning, he pushed back the covers and stood up, The room swam for a moment; reflexively, Hongbin bent over and put his hands on his thighs. Saw the reddened patches ( _friction_ ). Fell back hard on the bed, winced, couldn’t get his breath, heart hammering. Remembered. 

_Real, it happened, too far, oh god, real, stop it, stop shaking, push it down, get up, move._

Only the very real possibility that one of the others would fetch him - not Hakyeon again, probably Hyuk or Jaehwan, and Hongbin didn’t know which would be worse - allowed him to unlock his frozen muscles. Stiff, disjointed, moving ( _like a doll, no, push that down_ ) with difficulty, he managed to find clothes, dress himself. Didn’t look in the mirror when he finger-combed his hair, shuddering at the touch. _Stop it, you wanted it, not like that, not, what’s wrong with me, pushitdowndownpushitdownpushitdown_. By the time he left his room, he’d managed to school his face into something approaching a normal expression ( _liar_ ). His jaw was clenched tightly, but it was just another pain, lost among so many others. 

Hakyeon accepted an apology with good grace. That didn’t stop a certain amount of ribbing from the others, and Hongbin had to put up with that, but he was wound so tightly he could barely bring himself to speak. He followed them out to the car, was stopped by a touch on the arm, so light it didn’t threaten. He turned, saw Taekwoon regarding him. As usual, it was hard to know what the vocalist was thinking, and in his present state, Hongbin didn’t know how to begin. 

Taekwoon held out a bottle of water and a foil of gel capsules. ‘You have a headache,’ was all he said. Hongbin just stared; kindness was the last thing he’d expected this morning. To his horror, he felt tears rise. He ducked his head, managed to stammer his thanks and take the offered medication without his hand shaking. Taekwoon said nothing else, moving past him to the car. Hongbin broke out two capsules, considered, added a third, and swallowed them. In the car, he rested the cold water bottle against his forehead.

The painkillers helped, but it was still a struggle for Hongbin to concentrate. At least it was a fan meeting, not an interview or TV spot, where he’d need to constantly watch himself. Hakyeon and Wonsik did most of the talking, and Jaehwan was always ready to steal the spotlight. Still, Hongbin knew he was expected to play his part. Smile, sign posters and photos, listen to the fans who filed past tell him, blushing, that he was handsome. Wait for the moment when they talked about his singing instead, or asked him yet again if he had really cried in _Error_. Usually, those fans received his most genuine smiles; today, he felt one step behind the beat, missing his cues by just enough to be noticeable. He saw Hakyeon glance over at him for the fifth time in as many minutes. 

At the other end of the table, Wonsik and Hakyeon launched into a detailed explanation about the group’s imminent tour. Hongbin folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them, knowing that afterwards, there would be another long line of fans waiting. Out of the corner of his eye, Hongbin saw Hyuk scoot his chair closer; with an exaggerated sigh, he mirrored Hongbin’s pose. Turning his head without lifting it, Hongbin looked directly at the maknae, who smiled, reached out and laid an arm over his shoulders. Automatically, Hongbin tensed, only relaxing as he realised that would be the extent of the contact. He was so tired; his eyes slipped closed.

_His mask ripped from him, a stranger’s mouth, naked, need to run, why, why, laughing, crying, there’s a weight on him, holding him down -_

Hongbin jolted bolt upright, throwing off Hyuk’s arm, gulping down a distressed whimper. In front of the table, Jaehwan, in the midst of one of his ridiculous dances, spun around, none too pleased at having attention pulled from him. Hongbin tried to get his pulse under control, cover, cover, explain it, because they were all looking, and Hakyeon was half out of his seat. Before he could think of anything, Hyuk jumped in. Hongbin caught only a part of his comment - ‘cute master shouldn’t put people to sleep,’ but it was enough. Grabbing up a toy hammer, Jaehwan attacked the maknae, who immediately appealed for help. With a grin that felt entirely forced, Hongbin took hold of Hyuk’s chair and yanked him backwards, out of Jaehwan’s reach. The resulting scream of approval from the fans was deafening. 

By the evening, Hongbin was bone-weary and hurting all over, but his mind refused to be quiet. He sat in the common area, letting conversation wash over him, no energy in him to engage, but it was better than sitting alone in his room. One by one, the others turned in, and he still couldn’t bring himself to move. Only long after all noise had ceased was he able to get up and walk unsteadily down the hall. Not bothering to undress, he let himself flop onto the unmade bed. Everything he’d been keeping down all day flooded in, and he had no strength to stop it. _You wanted it_ , and he couldn’t deny that, he’d had every opportunity to back out and didn’t take it. And then everything went wrong, and it was too late. 

He couldn’t even decide what worse; that he went too far and wasn’t prepared for how it would get to him (how cruel it was, even as his body was responding his mind was shrieking at him to stop), or that he was tossed away ( _like his mask, like the, no, pushthatdown_ ) as soon as the man was done with him. For all that he’d wrapped himself in anonymity, Hongbin was never callous. He always spent time with his strangers afterwards, even if all they had were a few minutes. Made sure they were all right, showed them his appreciation even if he knew he’d never see them again. To that one man, though, he might as well have been the doll ( _not a doll, never_ ) he felt himself to be in the morning.

A buzzing, skittering noise came from under the bed. _Oh god, phone_ , and Hongbin reached down, groping blindly. Came up with it in his hand, already swiping past the usual expressions of interest and requests, looking for it, dreading it. Letting out a small, helpless noise when he saw it. A single clear, crisp image ( _high res, what kind of camera did he have, where was it_ ), close-up of his face, flushed, tight with pain, mouth slack. Tears shining in black-rimmed, smudged eyes. Two lines of text.

>Watching you right now  
>You’re a hot fucking mess

_Break it, throw the fucking thing away_ , but he couldn’t. He had to see how far until he hit the ground.

It was so much further than he thought. And it followed him on tour. Not safe even thousands of kilometres away, with barely a moment to himself, surrounded by people who seem to care about him. (And if they knew who he really was, they wouldn’t be so quick to offer that unconditional support he got without asking, and didn’t deserve.) He stumbled through the days of rehearsal and appearances, really only alive when he was performing, layering on persona after persona. Begged off socialising. Woke in the middle of the night tangled in hotel sheets, screaming into his pillow. 

And always, always, the chime that told him it wasn’t over.

Every night, no let-up. Hongbin told himself each time to delete everything, erase his presence, destroy the phone. Told himself that eventually the man would tire of his game. Couldn’t look away. Didn’t respond, didn’t want to, because it was all twisted up inside him and if his heart raced and he couldn’t breathe, it was shock and confusion and shame. All he wanted to do was hide, but he had nowhere to run.

Video. Pulling the tank over his head. Stretching himself out on that mattress. Writhing with three fingers in him, the man above him curiously dispassionate. Watching himself as he came.

>Can’t get enough

>You love it

>You’d let me do it again

 

Audio. His ragged breathing. His moans. His scream. 

>Hurting you sounds so good

>Wonder what other noises I could drag out of you

 

Stills, so many. His hands, white-knuckled, on the bed frame. His hips, lifted off the mattress, engorged cock clearly visible ( _you wanted it_ ). A fist clenched in his hair. And his face, always his face, unmasked, exposed, utterly naked. 

>Think how many would want to fuck you if they saw this

>I should make copies

 

After that, Hongbin took to checking social media obsessively. First thing in the morning, in breaks, at mealtimes. Wanting to be prepared for the moment the video dropped and his life would be over. He’d be thrown out of the group, probably sued for breach of contract. If he was lucky. If they didn’t invoke the medical clauses and force him into therapy to ‘cure’ him. He didn’t know what they’d decide to do, but at least he’d be ready ( _liar_ ). He tried to maintain his silence. At the end of a sleepless night, he caved in.

>leave me alone  
>i don’t want this

>>Yet here you are talking to me.

>what do you WANT from me??

>>I like playing with you  
>>You like it too

>what can I do to make you leave me alone

>>You know

 

He could see it; so easy to just agree and maybe then it would stop, but he broke out in a cold sweat and dug his fingers into his chest at the ghost of pain, the memory of violation. Because he was finally starting to see more than just his own blame, realise what was done to him.

>NO  
>never  
>again

>>Sure?

>YES

>>Then why not just delete your account

 

He still couldn’t bring himself to do that, because he needed to see it coming. Instead he scrubbed his profile. Deleted the photos of himself (so many). Erased everything but the username, made himself no one.

>>All those pics  
>>What a waste  
>>Don’t worry  
>>I have plenty

_Stop looking stop looking just stop throw it away_

Somehow Hongbin kept it together. His mind was chaos, his body exhausted, and he was fundamentally broken, but he played his part. He built walls of responsibility against dark whispers that promised peace, or at least, an end. His throat ached, and he sang. His legs were rubber, and he danced. Tears were always close, and he smiled and smiled. _Liar_. And waited.

When it came, it sent him scrambling into a corner of the room, where he hunched himself small. Both hands clamped over his mouth, pushing back the terrified sobbing that racked his body. Staring at the phone, face up in the middle of the floor. Panting against his fingers _no_ , and _stop_ , and _help me_.

>I know who you are 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, just thought I'd drop a quick note at the end here. I'm aware that this story deals with a traumatic event, and I hope I've been able to treat it sensitively.
> 
> Sexual assault is a terrible, terrible thing, and I'd urge anyone who has been a victim, or has in any way been badly affected by reading or viewing anything (including this story) on the subject to please seek out help and self-care.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongbin, watching Hakyeon practise a solo sequence, saw how effortlessly he moved, his subtle grace. Was reminded suddenly of the watcher, all intense eyes, absolutely focused on Hongbin as he danced. Wanting him. The one he was supposed to meet that night. If he’d listened to that impulse to go to him, taken that road, would everything be different now? 
> 
>  
> 
> _Stop it stop thinking dance just dance_

He was still there in the morning when an insistent knocking finally broke through. Hongbin buried his face against his knees, turned to the wall ( _leave me alone_ ). _Please_ , but it didn’t stop, became louder. And then, calling, ‘Hongbin-ah? Open the door, we will be late.’ Hakyeon. Of course. Hongbin slowly started to unlock his cramped muscles, got to his hands and knees. Saw the phone, and hung his head. _I can’t_ ( _he’ll come in_ ), and he forced himself to move. Scooped up the phone and threw it into the bag at the foot of the bed. Caught sight of himself in the mirror, swollen-eyed, snarled hair, sweat-dampened t-shirt. Haunted. He staggered to the door.

Hakyeon was already speaking as it opened. ‘We have rehearsal this morning, you really have to - _Hongbin_?’ Such shock in the leader’s voice; Hongbin could only imagine how he’d sound when he finally saw the images. Hakyeon crowded in, taking him by the arm, pressing the back of his hand to his cheek. ‘You look awful. Are you ill? Sit down, I’ll get the doctor.’ Hongbin felt the laugh rising, because he was right back where they’d started, and he was going to have to lie again. At least he knew the script.

‘It’s just a headache. I’ll be fine.’ 

This time, though, Hakyeon wasn’t so easily put off. ‘It’s more than that. If you’re not well enough to dance today -’ Hongbin didn’t hear the rest. _Toxic_. His dance with Hakyeon, such a hit last year that the decision had been made to have them perform it again for the international audience. The one that ended with them staring into each other’s eyes, so close they seemed about to kiss. Hakyeon had been intense and focused, and Hongbin had felt pinned and helpless, grateful for the applause because it brought him back to himself. Now, after everything that had happened, he was going to have to do that again. 

>

‘I don’t think I can,’ whispered Hongbin before he could stop himself. But what choice did he have? It was already built into the running order; if he didn’t go through with it, everyone ( _Hakyeon_ ) would be let down. He couldn’t bear to do that to him before the inevitable end. Hakyeon, meanwhile, hadn’t heard, was still talking ( _still too close_ ), something about being rusty on the choreography. That was almost certainly just meant to put him at ease, because once the leader learned a routine, he never lost it. Hongbin held up his hands, shrugging out of Hakyeon’s hold. ‘All right. You’ve convinced me. Just let me shower, I’ll be quick.’

‘Are you sure?’ asked Hakyeon. ‘If you’re really not well -’

‘I’ll be _fine_ ,’ said Hongbin, too sharply. ‘I mean - could you just find me some headache tablets, please?’ 

‘Of course, I’ll go now. Come downstairs when you’re ready. I’ll wait with the car.’ With a reassuring pat on Hongbin’s arm, Hakyeon turned to go, looked back over his shoulder. ‘Hongbin-ah? If you need to break early today, it will be all right.’ He smiled, and Hongbin had to duck away as his eyes filled with tears.

It wasn’t all right. It was never going to be. Hongbin swallowed the painkillers, acted as though they helped. They warmed up, stepped through the first section, and although every muscle was aching, Hongbin managed to keep up. The closer they came to the last part, though, the more mistakes he made. Either he was behind the beat, missed a cue, or just failed to move fluidly. Hakyeon, naturally, was flawless. Hongbin, watching him practise a solo sequence, saw how effortlessly he moved, his subtle grace. Was reminded suddenly of the watcher, all intense eyes, absolutely focused on Hongbin as he danced. Wanting him. The one he was supposed to meet that night. If he’d listened to that impulse to go to him, taken that road, would everything be different now? 

_Stop it stop thinking dance just dance_

He pushed away from the wall and joined Hakyeon for the last sequence. Mirroring each other, metres apart, but he knew what was coming, couldn’t breathe. They turned, stalked towards each other, made eye contact. Hakyeon reached out and took hold of Hongbin’s hair. Blind panic burst through Hongbin ( _look at you_ ). He wrenched himself away, fell to the floor, hyperventilating, shaking. Heard a horrified gasp, then Hakyeon was kneeling in front of him, pulling him into his arms. _Get away, run, go_ , and Hongbin didn’t know who that was meant for, only that he was fighting to get free and had no strength left. Hakyeon simply held him more tightly. 

‘Hongbin, Hongbinnie, shh, shh.’ He needed to find an excuse, push Hakyeon away. ‘It’s all right.’ ( _never be all right_ ) ‘I’m here, I’ve got you, shh.’ ( _let me go_ ) ‘I won’t let you go.’ Hakyeon shifted even closer, pressed Hongbin’s head into the hollow of his shoulder. Gentle, everything about him was gentle, caring, demanding nothing from him, Hongbin couldn’t understand it. All he knew was that he was breaking. He threw his arms around the leader, held him with fists clenched against his back. Hakyeon’s hand was in his hair again, soft, just stroking. ‘Hongbinnie, let it out, you don’t have to tell me.’ ( _never tell you_ ) ‘I’m here, let it out, you’re safe.’ ( _safe?_ )

Hongbin couldn’t hold it. He dragged in a huge, gulping breath, pushed himself hard against Hakyeon, and he was falling apart, sobbing so hard he shook them both. Fear, shame, betrayal, carried and tried to keep pushed down, all pouring out of him, tearing him to pieces. He was losing himself, but there were arms around him, a heartbeat, a soft voice. An anchor. _Hakyeon_. 

He cried until there were only hoarse, hiccuping breaths left, Hakyeon rubbing his back now, still murmuring to him. Then he drifted, utterly wrung out ( _safe_ ). He felt Hakyeon turn his head and press a kiss against his hair. _Don’t_ , but he had nothing left, he was soft, and stupid, and it was just comfort, nothing more. Never could be, because he was broken and tainted and there was still so much pushed down in him. Everything in him wanted to stay where he was, but he made himself sit up, avoiding Hakyeon’s eyes. ‘I’m sor -’

‘Ssh,’ Hakyeon interrupted. ‘Don’t apologise, Hongbinnie. Don’t you dare.’ His hands were cool on Hongbin’s hot face, wiping away fresh tears. _Stop. Please don’t touch me. Please. Touch me._ ‘I said you don’t have to tell me, and I won’t make you. But you can talk to me, about anything, I want you to know that.’ Hongbin felt his mouth trying to twist, bit his lips, hard, ( _never tell you_ ). Never say what he was, never tell what he only now let himself know was true. _Never tell you I need you_.

He could have begged off the dinner meeting - Hakyeon was happy to cover for him, didn’t understand why he insisted. Toying with his food, sick to his stomach, Hongbin didn’t know himself. Then an assistant director made the announcement that the _Toxic_ dance was to be cut, and it was like a blow to his gut. He didn’t dare look up, didn’t hear what was said next until Hyuk nudged him. ‘Hongbin-ssi?’ said the AD. ‘Did you hear me? We will substitute the two solos you and Hakyeon-ssi have been practising. You will need to work hard.’ Numbly, Hongbin nodded.

Hakyeon spoke up. ‘Thank you, this is a great opportunity. I have been looking forward to showing something new. We will both do our best.’ He sounded enthusiastic, as though it was an entirely positive development. The talk turned to arrangements for extra rehearsal time, both in the studio and the arena. Hongbin, caught between guilty relief and a sickening sense of failure, barely paid attention. When the meeting broke up, he rose quickly, intending to head straight for his room. Hakyeon called him back. Without preamble, he said, ‘You’re blaming yourself. Please don’t. I told them I thought the new dances would fit better with the theme. Do you understand? I said nothing. Hongbin-ah. This is not your fault.’

Hongbin couldn’t meet the leader’s eyes. ‘We both know that’s not true,’ he said, and pushed past.

In his room, he took the phone from his bag, unlocked it. One new notification. His hand tightened on the case; a core of anger was growing in him. Maybe he deserved to have his life dismantled ( _you do_ ), but now this had spilled over, taken from Hakyeon a dance he loved. And for that Hongbin had been _rewarded_ with a solo? _Enough. No more._ He erased the message unseen, deleted the account. Furious, hating the man, hating himself, he took the phone into the bathroom, smashed it over and over against the sink until the screen splintered and the circuit board snapped. Swept the pieces into a hand towel, baring his teeth against the pain of tiny shards cutting into his fingers. 

He didn’t sleep that night, and for the next two woke, heart pounding, hearing a chime that existed only in his head. As soon as he was able, he took the remains of the phone outside and dropped them into a drain. _Drown, you bastard._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since he's mentioned in this chapter, I thought I'd issue my reader challenge again.
> 
> The first two commenters who identify the eyes of the watcher in the image at the end of chapter 2, will receive a gifted fic in this series.
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: The challenge has now ended. Congratulations to tkbjrn and undernightsky. 
> 
> Because I screwed up and didn't put in the edit saying the challenge was closed, MyHiccupsAreInvincible and sstarsstar will also receive a gifted drabble or ficlet.
> 
> Thanks for playing, this was really fun.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He lived in terror, sure that any moment that someone would look up from their screen at him, disgust and judgment on their faces. Days became weeks, however, and there was nothing. No image, no video, no summons to a private meeting. Caught in the whirlwind of travel, rehearsal, performance, exhaustion, Hongbin slowly started to believe it was finally over. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Then _Fantasy_. Even just listening to the guide gave Hongbin chills. Eerie where _Hyde_ was frantic, anguished where _The Answer is You_ was wistful. Low, melancholy, building towards a peak of desperation that it never quite reached, falling back on itself to those last, awful lines ( _all mine, it’s my fantasy_ ). Hongbin had never heard anything so hopeless and yearning. So _intimate_ , a fingertip brushing against a naked eyeball. It demanded entry, cracked him open from the inside ( _my stolen heart_ ), calcified pain splintering. He had nowhere to run. Didn’t know what he was running from ( _my crooked fate_ ). He clamped down on himself, forced his voice to work. Even laughed, but he was off-balance, and sure everyone could hear it.

He lived in terror, sure that any moment that someone would look up from their screen at him, disgust and judgment on their faces. Days became weeks, however, and there was nothing. No image, no video, no summons to a private meeting. Caught in the whirlwind of travel, rehearsal, performance, exhaustion, Hongbin slowly started to believe it was finally over. The knowledge of what he’d done was never going to go away (and now he could see how inevitable it had all been, how self-destructive and reckless he’d acted), but at least he could sleep without too many nightmares. By the time they returned home, he was so tired he thought he could sleep for a week, but it was the right kind of weariness, born of hard work and a punishing schedule. 

Remembering how to play up to the fans took longer. Confronted suddenly by a phone camera thrust in his face, he tended to flinch, and he knew he wasn’t always successful in covering it up with an embarrassed smile. Worse were the candid photos that turned up everywhere online, nothing new, but the knowledge that he was always being watched got under his skin as never before. For the first time, though, he found himself really appreciating the Starlights, realising just how hard the fans worked to actually be respectful of their idols as people. They didn’t crowd him at airports or fansigns, left messages of praise and support on social media, and for the most part, were fiercely protective. Hongbin knew he’d never be able to throw himself wholeheartedly into pleasing them the way Jaehwan did, but their unquestioning support - at a distance - helped him come back even more.

Hardest of all was learning to relax again around the other members. The casual touches and stupid games still made him twitch even months later, especially when he was taken by surprise. There was never anything threatening in it, but even long-established routines like being picked up and carried around as an ‘artwork’ by Wonsik sometimes left him on edge. Hongbin developed a guarded watchfulness that never entirely faded. That didn’t stop Hyuk recruiting him for a series of increasingly audacious pranks; his enthusiasm was infectious, and their friendship became a way for Hongbin to open up to all of them, a least a little. Pushing down ruthlessly any attraction he felt, barely admitting it even to himself lying awake at night. 

But … Hakyeon. Always Hakyeon, the same teasing, infuriating leader as always. When he touched Hongbin now, it brought back the memory of falling apart in his arms. That single kiss on his hair. Compassion, unlooked for and undeserved ( _only that_ ), and he needed to keep reminding himself. Hide behind embarrassment, act like the attention was unwelcome, when, more than ever, he wanted it ( _not possible_ ), felt like he was transparent to everyone. Hakyeon pulled him like gravity, and Hongbin was tired of fighting, but he had no choice.

Then _Fantasy_. Even just listening to the guide gave Hongbin chills. Eerie where _Hyde_ was frantic, anguished where _The Answer is You_ was wistful. Low, melancholy, building towards a peak of desperation that it never quite reached, falling back on itself to those last, awful lines ( _all mine, it’s my fantasy_ ). Hongbin had never heard anything so hopeless and yearning. So _intimate_ , a fingertip brushing against a naked eyeball. It demanded entry, cracked him open from the inside ( _my stolen heart_ ), calcified pain splintering. He had nowhere to run. Didn’t know what he was running from ( _my crooked fate_ ). He clamped down on himself, forced his voice to work. Even laughed, but he was off-balance, and sure everyone could hear it.

He never sang after listening only once, but Hyuk’s voice, as soft as it was, called him. It was like hearing him for the first time; not the maknae, not even the vocal partner with whom he was so often paired. Just Sanghyuk, fierce and confident, but somehow sounding as lost as Hongbin felt. It needed an answer, and so he sang. And then, like a body blow, Hakyeon sitting down between them, and it spilled out of him, ‘Someone help’. The three of them sang through the verse; Hakyeon’s last line was a promise. A warning. 

‘It’ll change everything.’

It scared the hell out of him.

As they worked on the song, it seemed there was nothing to justify the anxiety Hongbin felt. He wasn’t required to expose anything, In fact, it had been unusually fun, teaming up with Hyuk to tease Hakyeon until the dancer slapped at the maknae and called him a monster. Hongbin hadn’t been able to stop himself from asking, ‘Then what am I?’ Not sure he really wanted an answer, or why he’d even asked, but Hakyeon had looked back at him, all humour gone, and Hongbin was pinned by his stare. 

The music still tore at him, chased him into confusing dreams of red threads and warmth and his own mad laughter, but it wasn’t dragging anything out. Gradually, he realised. It was letting something in. Hyuk’s smile, the weight of the maknae’s feet on his thighs as they sprawled on the couch in the common area. Hakyeon’s scent, soured by fear, making Hongbin want to pull him into an embrace. His own need to be near them. A tension building between the three of them, pulling them together rather than pushing them apart. It couldn’t happen. It was happening. One night Hakyeon climbed into his lap, and Hyuk leaned into him. _It’s comfort, just comfort, they’re not like you_. Even so, Hongbin couldn’t deny them. He folded his arms around Hakyeon, shifted towards Hyuk, felt them both turn into him. He was smothered, trapped, and nothing in hiim wanted to escape. _Soft, you’re soft_ , but if that’s all he could have, then he’d take it. 

When Hakyeon left them to go to bed, it was a relief. It hurt. Hongbin and Hyuk looked at each other for a long moment; the maknae’s sleepy bewilderment was a mirror for his own. Hyuk sat up a little, bringing his face close. Only the slightest movement would be needed for Hongbin to close the distance and brush his lips against Hyuk’s mouth. He _wanted_ to ( _not like you_ ). Pulling his head back, Hongbin shrugged until the maknae was fully awake. ‘Go to bed, monster,’ he said. 

In his own room, Hongbin lay awake, staring at nothing, the memory of them all over his body. Telling himself he didn’t ache for them ( _both of them, how_ ). Telling himself he could be content with that small comfort, just once ( _liar_ ). 

It seemed like an inevitable progression, but for Hongbin, every step was taken fighting back disbelief and pushing down fear. He watched himself carefully, restraining himself from reaching out to them, only to find they were already bringing themselves closer. Needing just to stand nearby, he leaned over Hakyeon and pretended to read notes until the dancer sat back, his head just brushing against Hongbin’s stomach. He pulled backwards, but Hyuk was behind him, bumping against his shoulder. At every turn, they were there, finding some excuse to touch. It made him twitchy and hesitant; he couldn’t let them know the effect they had on him. He saw something similar in Hakyeon, and it was confirmation. If not for Hyuk, they might have drifted apart again. The maknae pursued them both with a fierce determination that made Hongbin envious even as he held back. When Hakyeon paused near the couch, Hyuk would reach out and pull him into their laps. If Hongbin sat too far away, Hyuk would simply drag him closer. It was as though, having found something he wanted, Hyuk wasn’t about to let either of them go. He seemed happy just to have them in physical contact as often as possible. During the days that meant standing pressed against each other, bumping shoulders, a hand rubbing over Hongbin’s back or ruffling Hakyeon’s hair. He was impossible to resist.

Strangely, Hongbin found evenings easier to handle. Though they were closer than ever, sprawled over each other, it was somehow relaxing. Nearly smothered, Hongbin held Hakyeon, Hyuk snuggled to his side. He could feel their breaths on his skin, hear their contented noises as they made themselves even more comfortable. The urge to caress them was always there, but at those times, it didn’t cause him to duck away. And it became harder and harder to let them go and return to his own bed. 

Again, if it hadn’t been for Hyuk, Hongbin felt everything would have twisted in on itself. He’d known the time was coming closer for Hakyeon to leave them again; when the dancer finally stood, Hongbin had opened his eyes and stared up at him. All he’d wanted was to carry something to his own, cold room, but what he saw in Hakyeon’s face was the last thing he expected. Fear. Then Hyuk reached for Hakyeon’s hand, and Hongbin mirrored him, as though obeying a script. A trace of uncertainty flickered across the maknae’s features, wiped away quickly, and he pushed them towards his own room.

Hongbin almost didn’t lay down in the bed with them. Even though they were fully clothed, there was so little room for three grown men that they’d be completely crammed against each other. He didn’t trust his body not to betray him. They’d know, they’d pull away from him, and they were becoming too important for that. He needed them too much, couldn’t risk it. A surge of recklessness flashed through him as he stood hesitating. A familiar voice in his mind, full of mad laughter ( _they can’t box you, are you going to box yourself?_ ), and he felt his mouth pull to one side. He spooned up to Hakyeon, Hyuk’s arm laying over them both. It was wonderful, it was surreal, it wasn’t possible. It was one more step, and when they finally had to separate, and he and Hakyeon stood looking down at Hyuk snuggled down in their warmth, the words were out before he could stop them: ‘Tomorrow night - _my_ room’. 

And they said, _yes_. They grew closer, more comfortable, with each night. Touched more intimately - just a hand cupping the back of a neck, stroking a face, legs tangled over each other. Lacing fingers together. Whispered endearments ( _fiend_ , Hakyeon’s name for him, and how terrible and right that felt; _monster_ ). Murmurs of happiness. Watching Hyuk doze, carding fingers through his hair. Between them, always, Hakyeon. Loose-limbed, warm, deeply asleep. Utterly trusting them both. 

Holding him, sleeping against him, smiling at him as though he was the person they wanted most in the world to see. Without even trying, they stole Hongbin’s heart. No matter how often he warned himself, no matter how far he policed himself, Hakyeon and Hyuk became so important to him that sometimes, he couldn’t breathe in their presence. _Expect nothing, you deserve nothing, you don’t deserve what you have._

Then Hakyeon kissed him like he was precious, and Hyuk looked at him like he was the most desirable thing in the world, and Hongbin was lost. He still didn’t believe, but they were offering themselves. It was up to him to cherish them. Keep them safe from his own damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where Hongbin's story dovetails with _Fantasy_ and _Take More of Me_. 
> 
> From here, some of the same events will occur as in the first two stories, but from a very different perspective. We all remember things differently, and I hope that you'll like what's to come.
> 
> Credit for the lovely photomanip belongs to expoduck.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and feedback is love, because I would really, really like to know how you feel about this story (member, Sad and Needy Authors Anonymous).


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t really a surprise that Hyuk was the first to push boundaries. There was an utter fearlessness about the way he was with them; in some ways it was an extension of his everyday confidence, but so much fiercer, with a core of defiance. To Hongbin, envious and fearful, it felt as though the maknae was daring the world to find fault with his happiness. He never hesitated to touch them, his intention for contact beyond the everyday or accidental, always unmistakable. Restrained only slightly by the presence of others (and the knowledge that what they were together was something that could ruin them all), he took to cornering Hongbin and Hakyeon in the few moments they could be alone, stealing kisses that left them breathless. Once Hongbin would have embraced such behaviour without thinking. Now he was constrained, always listening for footsteps or an opening door. For the chime of a phone shattered and drowned.
> 
> ... for the moment it was enough to know he was loved by at least one person ( _liar_ )

They took to using a private chatroom when the others were around. Everyone spent so much time on their phones that it was hardly unusual for the three of them to be tapping away while sitting in the same room. At first they kept the talk light, inconsequential; before long, though, it became a way to say to each other what was too risky or too revealing to say face to face. For Hongbin, it was almost like returning to old habits. It scared him.

 

*****  
_Monster is online_  
_Fiend is online_  
_N-Mi is online_

Monster> need to ask something

Fiend> Can’t it wait  
Fiend> We only get a 5 minute break

N-Mi> This is ridiculous, we’re in the same room.

Monster> please

N-Mi> What is it?

Monster> what is this

Fiend> It’s a chat room

Monster> bean shut up  
Monster> I mean what are WE

Monster> well don’t all answer at once

N-Mi> Look up, monster.

Monster> …

Fiend> You’re blushing so hard right now

N-Mi> Fiend?  
N-Mi> Look up.

*****

It wasn’t really a surprise that Hyuk was the first to push boundaries. There was an utter fearlessness about the way he was with them; in some ways it was an extension of his everyday confidence, but so much fiercer, with a core of defiance. To Hongbin, envious and fearful, it felt as though the maknae was daring the world to find fault with his happiness. He never hesitated to touch them, his intention for contact beyond the everyday or accidental, always unmistakable. Restrained only slightly by the presence of others (and the knowledge that what they were together was something that could ruin them all), he took to cornering Hongbin and Hakyeon in the few moments they could be alone, stealing kisses that left them breathless. Once Hongbin would have embraced such behaviour without thinking. Now he was constrained, always listening for footsteps or an opening door. For the chime of a phone shattered and drowned.

When Hyuk followed him into the bathroom at the studio and manoeuvred him against the sinks, Hongbin actually fought to free himself. It was too close, too much like everything he was trying to leave behind. Startled, Hyuk pulled back, but didn’t let go. ‘What?’ he asked. ‘What’s wrong?’ Hongbin, hands flat against the maknae’s chest, breathing too fast, too shallow, couldn’t look at him. ‘Hey,’ said Sanghyuk, sliding his hands up Hongbin’s arms to cup the sides of his face. ‘Talk to me, Bean. Did I do something wrong?’ Hongbin could only shake his head. 

_It’s not you, it’s me_ , he thought stupidly, and felt the laugh in the back of his throat. _Of all the cliches_ … but Hyuk was looking at him, and he deserved an answer. ‘It’s not you, Hyuk. This is just - it’s new, that’s all.’ ( _liar_ ) This was hardly unfamiliar territory. He’d had so many of his strangers in places like this, from the very beginning. Done so much with them. This was no different, and that was the problem. What the three of them had - what was beginning between them - he couldn’t let that be tainted by echoes of his earlier self. _They_ were new, that was what frightened him.

Hyuk stroked his face. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘okay, I understand.’ _You don’t. How could you?_ ‘Can I … will you let me kiss you?’ _No_ , but Hongbin couldn’t say it, couldn’t deny how much he craved it. He closed his eyes. It was a soft, almost sleepy kiss, unhurried, insisting on nothing. Under gentle pressure, Hongbin opened his mouth, slipped his arms around Hyuk, melted against him. Felt his knees nudged apart as the maknae stepped in close, still cradling his face, gradually deepened the kiss. Unbidden, memories stole into Hongbin’s mind, urgent, feverish, anonymous - but this was _Sanghyuk_ , holding him now with familiar, wanted hands. Sanghyuk, licking tenderly inside his mouth, moving against him. Sanghyuk, not understanding but focused completely on him. Entirely new, and Hongbin gave himself up to it. He broke the kiss, bringing his hand up between their faces when Hyuk protested, ‘We still have time.’ 

‘I know,’ said Hongbin, tilting his hips forward to press against Hyuk’s. ‘I’ve got an idea, but -’ Hyuk ran his tongue over his palm. ‘If you don’t stop that -’

‘You’ll what?’ asked Hyuk with a smile. He took hold of Hongbin’s hand, slowly sucked on one finger. Hongbin moaned.

‘Oh, you really are a monster.’ Using his body, Hongbin herded the maknae into a stall, locked the door. Crowded close and pushed him against the partition, hands busy at his belt. 

‘Wait,’ panted Hyuk, but Hongbin just palmed his cock through his trousers.

‘Wait?’

Hyuk groaned. ‘No, just ...what are you doing?’

Hongbin held eye contact as he went to his knees, pulling down Hyuk’s pants. _Erasing_ , he thought. ‘Making memories,’ he said. He lowered his head, dragged his tongue up the underside of Hyuk’s cock, flicked at the tip. The maknae gasped, eyes locked on his. Deliberately, Hongbin licked his lips, stretched his mouth wide and inched it down. 

‘God … _fuck_ …’ Hyuk arched, his pelvis shoving forward. Adjusting his angle slightly, Hongbin opened his throat, took him even deeper. He put his hands on Hyuk’s waist, encouraging him to move, thrilling at his incoherent, low sounds. Before long Hyuk was fucking his mouth, holding his head, panting his name, over and over (not _pretty boy_ , or _slut_ , or any one of a dozen disposable names he’d been called, just _Hongbin, Bean, please_ ). Hearing it made something in Hongbin’s chest grow tight, made him rock his own hips, moan around Hyuk’ cock. One last, hastily muffled cry, and Hyuk came in his mouth, half-collapsed against the wall, twitching and shuddering as Hongbin swallowed. 

The maknae slid to the floor in a graceless sprawl, gasping for breath, and reached out blindly. Hongbin crawled into his lap, kissed him, deep and slow. ‘Monster,’ he breathed against his lips, ‘Sanghyuk,’ tasting the name, savouring it. Kissed him again, eyes open, because he didn’t trust his voice anymore.

Because what he’d almost said was, _I’m falling in love with you_.

Two nights later, Hongbin almost said it to Hakyeon. He stopped himself in time, coughed unconvincingly, but it was going to come out one way or another. Like a coward, he did it when he was alone, hiding behind a screen of text.

 

*****

_Fiend has invited you to [private chat]_  
_Fiend is online_  
_Monster is online_

Monster: pretty boring room name  
Monster: no hakyeon huh  
Monster: what’s up

Fiend: Need to tell you something  
Fiend: About Hakyeon

Monster: this sounds dire

Fiend: Just let me talk  
Fiend: Type  
Fiend: What fucking ever

 

Hongbin’s fingers hovered over the keypad. He’d never be able to take this back. Even if he deleted the log, Hyuk would remember. ( _that’s why you did it this way_ )

 

Monster: still here

Fiend: This is weird  
Fiend: Fuck it  
Fiend: I’m falling for him  
Fiend: Hakyeon

Monster: this is not news  
Monster: you’ve been in love with him for years  
Monster: literally  
Monster: years

Fiend: What?

Monster: Not BLIND, fiend

 

He stared at the screen, absolutely floored. _I pushed it down. I know I did._ And that was the first time he ever let himself remember how long Hakyeon had been under his skin. Because love? _Real_ love, not just fan adoration or agency-arranged dates? That was something flower boys didn’t, couldn’t have - and never with another man. Yet there it was ( _hide_ ), he’d been transparent all along ( _run_ ). 

 

Monster: are you alive?  
Monster: beeeaaann

Fiend: I’m here  
Fiend: Don’t say anything

Monster: i won’t  
Monster: but you should  
Monster: or we could tell him together

Fiend: I don’t know  
Fiend: If he doesn’t … I dont think I could stand it

Monster: you are so STUPID sometimes

 

Fiend: Something else  
Fiend: It’s not just Hakyeon  
Fiend: It’s you too

 

No response. From the time stamp, Hongbin knew to the second how long it had been since he’d sent those words. The silence was an answer in itself. Then:

 

Monster: good  
Monster: i was getting worried

Fiend: Why?

Monster: i couldn’t figure out if you felt the same way I do

 

Hongbin shook his head in disbelief. That couldn’t mean what it looked like.

 

Fiend: You mean

Monster: YES bean  
Monster: i love you too

Fiend: I don’t understand this.

Monster: stop over-thinking, it’s simple  
Monster: we love each other  
Monster: we love hakyeon  
Monster: why do there have to be rules  
Monster: look where are you

Fiend: Home

Monster: STAY PUT 

*****

Around twenty minutes later, Hongbin’s door opened, and Hyuk strode into the room. Hongbin rose to meet him, was caught in a crushing embrace, kissed deeply and fiercely. ‘You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?’ muttered Hyuk. Unable to take a deep enough breath to reply, Hongbin just nodded. He _had_ been an idiot, might still be, but for the moment it was enough to know he was loved by at least one person ( _liar_ ).

  
[](https://ibb.co/g753Tb2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat room writing ... it's addictive. 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He said nothing to Hakyeon. And the dancer said nothing to them.
> 
> ...
> 
> Hyuk told them he loved them both at least a dozen times a day - whispered in their ears at rehearsals, through text, accompanied by kisses. It was the last thing he said to them when they left each other, and the first message he sent in the mornings. It should have been so easy to say it back, but Hakyeon didn’t, and so Hongbin couldn’t. Instead, they used pale substitute words - care for, cherish, you mean so much - that didn’t come close to the depth of Hongbin’s feelings. He tried to make up for it on the few occasions he was alone with Hyuk, but the silence of that one word was fracturing something between them.
> 
> ...
> 
> Soft laughter from Hakyeon. ‘I do love you, Jyani.’
> 
> So fond. So easy, like it was nothing. Like Hakyeon said it as often as Hyuk did. The one thing they’d never heard from him. The one thing he’d needed to hear.

He said nothing to Hakyeon. And the dancer said nothing to them. The days fell into a holding pattern; surreptitious touches, stolen embraces, evenings piled together on the couch. Nights in either Hongbin’s or Hyuk’s room (never Hakyeon’s, and that troubled Hongbin more than it should have), only then free. They still maintained the charade, leaving each other reluctantly to return to their own rooms just long enough to forestall any possibility of discovery. Hongbin set a reminder on his phone, loathing it, twitching every time it chimed at him. _It’s not the fucking same, get over it_.

Crammed into beds meant only for two, they learned how to please each other. Hyuk loved to drive Hongbin crazy by sucking on his fingers, laughing whenever Hongbin protested. The maknae was never shy to go after whatever he wanted at the time so it became a point of pride for Hongbin could reduce him to moaning incoherence first. It was rare for Hakyeon to take the lead, or even play a really active part in their lovemaking. For the most part, he loved to simply give himself up to Hongbin and Hyuk, responding to their mouths and hands with such obvious delight that it took Hongbin’s breath away. The dancer was the most sensual creature he’d ever seen. 

And Hongbin himself? Always restrained, always holding back. He knew so many ways to please them, but he’d learned them in the worst possible way. To touch them that way, do those things - no. They were pure, and he was lucky to have what he did. Anything else was just his own twisted self ( _they’re not like you_ ). So he fumbled, and was tentative, and when he couldn’t stop himself wrenching back Hyuk’s head to see his face when he came, denying Hakyeon until the dancer writhed, he was sick to his stomach afterwards, and kissed them and kissed them to try to take it away.

Hyuk told them he loved them both at least a dozen times a day - whispered in their ears at rehearsals, through text, accompanied by kisses. It was the last thing he said to them when they left each other, and the first message he sent in the mornings. It should have been so easy to say it back, but Hakyeon didn’t, and so Hongbin couldn’t. Instead, they used pale substitute words - _care for, cherish, you mean so much_ \- that didn’t come close to the depth of Hongbin’s feelings. He tried to make up for it on the few occasions he was alone with Hyuk, but the silence of that one word was fracturing something between them.

Hongbin told himself that he didn’t expect Hakyeon to love him. Why would he? Since they’d been together, the dancer had shown again and again that he was capable of perceiving undercurrents to which others were oblivious. He seemed able to tell exactly what kind of caress would have the greatest effect on Hyuk, sometimes instructing Hongbin. He knew when Wonsik was upset, although not why. Strangest of all, at times Hakyeon laid his hands on his two lovers and it was as though they were all somehow connected, so that a kiss on the side of the neck could have been from any of them, was felt by all of them. Hakyeon must have known the truth about Hongbin. The only mystery was why the dancer hadn’t yet turned from him.

But Hyuk? There was no reason at all for Hakyeon not to love the maknae. He was beautiful, and fierce, and so completely devoted to them. Hongbin adored his confidence, envied his open heart and easy smile. His ability to laugh at rules that bound others and that he found stupid (can’t love a man, can’t love _two_ ). Loving him was inevitable. So why did Hakyeon not just tell him so? In the pre-dawn dark of his own room, Hongbin found his answer. Hakyeon was being kind. He wouldn’t say it to Hyuk when he didn’t love Hongbin. Not while they were all together. _I should walk away and let them be with each other_. He was stupid, and weak, and couldn’t let either of them go. Whether Hakyeon loved him or not.

It seemed like the decision would be taken out of Hongbin’s hands. 

It was easy to see why Hakyeon was so taken with Jaehwan. The vocalist was soft, and openly affectionate; he played the flower boy far better than Hongbin, all jagged, brittle edges, ever could. Like Hyuk, he pursued physical contact, usually in the form of cuddles or pats. Unlike the maknae, he preferred to have attention lavished on him, rather than seeking to please others. In that, he was more like Hakyeon; yet with Jaehwan, the dancer always appeared more inclined to actively show his growing attachment, reaching out to pull him into a close embrace, giving him fond smiles.

He still gravitated towards Hongbin and Hyuk, they still shared a bed, even made love. More and more often, though, when they piled on the couch together, Jaehwan sat on the floor at their feet, Hakyeon stroking his hair, listening to his always-enthusiastic chatter. When they walked somewhere, Jaehwan would duck under Hakyeon’s arm and press close to his side. And gradually, the dancer seemed to prefer the vocalist’s company. The night came when Hakyeon chose to sit in his own chair, Jaehwan happily cuddled in his lap. They looked so easy and comfortable together that Hongbin ached for Hyuk, sitting with his feet in Hongbin’s lap, a space between them. _Time for me to go_. 

Falling back into his old patterns of avoidance was alarmingly easy. At fan meetings, Hongbin acted the part of the harassed visual, played up to the audience’s sympathy with embarrassed smiles. For TV appearances, he contrived to always have at least one other person between him and Hakyeon. That it was so often Jaehwan made his mouth twist when he let himself think about it. So he didn’t. At home, he tried to avoid Hakyeon’s touch as much as he could. 

Every night, he decided _this will be the last time_. But Hyuk wouldn’t let him go. If Hongbin withdrew, the maknae would simply drag him closer. If he hesitated when the time came that they could safely go to bed, Hyuk would walk him backwards down the hall, kissing fiercely. He even pulled Hongbin and Hakyeon together, insisting they lie face to face while he wrapped himself around the dancer from behind. Alone with them, Hakyeon was as he’d always been, and for Hongbin, that was somehow worse than the distance rapidly growing between them. He didn’t know if it was some kind of punishment ( _no more than you deserve_ ), or whether Hakyeon just thought he was letting him down gently. He only knew it hurt, and it made him irritated and abrasive.

 

*****

_Monster is online_

Monster> Bean  
Monster> hey  
Monster> talk to me  
Monster> i’m not going away

_Fiend is online_

Fiend> what

Monster> tell me what’s wrong

Fiend> nothing

Monster> crap

Fiend> I’m tired

_Fiend is offline_

*****

It wasn’t fair to Hyuk. Hongbin, hating to see the puzzled hurt on his face, twisted bitter. Tried to drive Hakyeon away, so at least it would be quick. Told himself that once he was gone the dancer would be there for Hyuk. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done. Then a disastrous dance rehearsal, a crisis forced between Wonsik and Taekwoon by Hakyeon that backfired horribly, sent Taekwoon fleeing into the night and reduced Wonsik to numb collapse. Hongbin had seen it clearly in Wonsik, a hopeless love that the rapper tried to keep from ever showing. He understood it, but had never been able to speak to it. Had warned Hakyeon to leave them alone. Between them, they got Wonsik home. Hakyeon looked devastated, and in spite of himself, Hongbin started to reach for him. But Jaehwan was quicker, pulling the dancer into an embrace, kissing his hair. Saying all the right things, 

Hongbin couldn’t watch that. He turned on his heel and headed straight for his room, no clear plan, just get away. Didn’t hear Hyuk enter close behind him. Didn’t even know he wasn’t alone until Hyuk caught him in a tight hug. ‘Bean,’ he asked softly, ‘what’s going on with you?’

‘Just tired,’ Hongbin said. It wasn’t exactly a lie; he was tired, but it had nothing to do with sleep.

Hyuk pulled back a little, pushed Hongbin’s hair back from his forehead, and kissed him between the eyes. ‘Come on, then,’ he said, ‘let’s go to bed.’ Hongbin almost smiled - so impossible to resist, in every way. He was going to miss being with him like this. And then Hyuk said, ‘Hakyeon’ll be here soon.’

Hongbin pulled away. ‘I have, ah, have to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ Not wanting to show Hyuk how much he hated ( _wanted_ ) the idea of Hakyeon in his room, pretending. He headed for the bathroom, thinking he would wait there until Hakyeon settled into bed. He could just slip in quietly - and then he heard it.

Soft laughter from Hakyeon. ‘I do love you, Jyani.’

So fond. So easy, like it was nothing. Like Hakyeon said it as often as Hyuk did. The one thing they’d never heard from him. The one thing he’d needed to hear. He’d expected it; why did it feel like such a shock? Jaw set, Hongbin retreated to his room. Ignored Hyuk, just climbed into bed and lay on the edge, turned away from the door. The maknae immediately joined him, spooned up tight behind him. ‘Bean? Bean?’ Hongbin didn’t trust himself to answer. _I’m sorry, monster, I’m sorry_. 

He heard his door open, and Hakyeon’s light footsteps. _Why is he here?_ Hyuk shifted onto his back, left one arm resting on Hongbin’s hip, and made a shushing noise. The bed dipping as Hakyeon got in next to the maknae, snuggling close. Hongbin lay perfectly still.

‘What am I going to do with the two of you?’ whispered Hyuk. Hakyeon started to speak, was interrupted. ‘Tomorrow.’

‘I’ve got a surprise for everyone tomorrow,’ said Hakyeon. ‘I think it will help.’ Hongbin’s mouth twisted into a nasty grin; he was glad his face was hidden. _Too late_. ( _Had your chance_ )

‘Something better help,’ muttered Hyuk. 

Hongbin lay awake long after the other two had fallen asleep, listening to their breathing. Last time. Tomorrow he’d pull back all the way, even from Hyuk. Hakyeon would have what he wanted. Hongbin would find a way to deal with it ( _liar, you’ll box yourself_ ). They never needed to know.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *****
> 
>  
> 
> _Monster is online_  
>  _Fiend is online_
> 
>  
> 
> Monster> so now you shut me out too
> 
> Fiend> He loves you  
> Fiend> He’ll be able to say it now
> 
> Fiend> I’m sorry
> 
> Monster> fuck you bean
> 
>  _Monster is offline_  
>     
> ******
> 
> ... Hongbin made it as far as his room, but just inside the door, he couldn’t hold himself up any longer. Collapsing against the door, he slid down into a heap, holding on to the memory of Hyuk’s mouth on his, telling himself it would be enough ( _still lying_ ). That it was better to hurt him now than destroy him later. ( _you just wanted something for yourself, do you think you can take it into the dark?_ ) He could hear himself laughing.
> 
>  
> 
> _What’s wrong with me?_
> 
>  
> 
> ( _everything just let go_ )

Of all things, Hakyeon’s surprise turned out to be a trip to a panda nursery. Even mired as he was in pain and anger, for a few hours, Hongbin was able to forget everything. Sitting on the floor with Hyuk, he even found himself laughing as he wrestled with a particularly boisterous baby. Even Taekwoon softened when he was virtually attacked by a panda determined to cuddle him. Hongbin had no doubt the vocalist was the target of Hakyeon’s plan; Taekwoon’s weakness for animals was well know. It was only when he caught sight of Hakyeon, smiling fondly while he and Jaehwan stroked the fur of the little one they shared, that Hongbin felt his good mood turn fragile. He shifted around so that his back was to them and tried to concentrate on playing catch-paws with his panda, mocking laughter echoing in his head.

By the time they filed back out to the van, Hongbin was on edge again. As Hakyeon passed him, he couldn’t help it. ‘Did you really think it would be that easy?’ He knew how he sounded, bitterly furious, but he was so tired; then he caught sight of the stricken look on Hakyeon’s face. He told himself that hurting Hakyeon would help the dancer leave him behind more easily, that he could live with that ( _liar_ ).

Hyuk completely ignored Hongbin’s attempt to isolate himself that night. Even after he’d gone to his own room after pleading a headache, laying awake in the dark, the maknae wouldn’t leave him alone. Weak, hating the emptiness in his bed, Hongbin had given in. ‘Just you, then,’ he sighed. He closed his eyes against the warmth of Hyuk lying against his back, holding him tightly. He knew he’d have to get used to sleeping alone again. _Just one more night_. Footsteps outside his door, and he knew it was Hakyeon. Holding his breath, Hongbin listened, half-hoping, half-dreading, for the sound of the door handle turning. Footsteps, moving away.

‘I love you,’ growled Hyuk, mouth pressed against the back of Hongbin’s neck. _Let me go, monster_ , but he couldn’t say it. They fell into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning. It was awful, dislocating, to have so much room to move.

‘Bean? Bean, wake up, come on, wake up.’ Hyuk’s voice, worried and somehow constricted. Hongbin started awake; he’d caught Hyuk from behind, holding him so tightly his arms ached. His face pressed against the maknae’s back. He’d been saying something, over and over, but he couldn’t understand it. Hyuk rubbed his arms, soothing him, until finally he was able to unlock the tight muscles enough for him to turn over and pull Hongbin to his chest. ‘It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here, not going anywhere.’ _You should go._

‘What was I saying?’ Hongbin asked.

Hyuk kissed his forehead. ‘You kept telling me to stay.’

‘Must have been a nightmare,’ said Hongbin, trying to sound matter-of-fact about it. Hyuk started to speak, and Hongbin silenced him with a kiss. _Shouldn’t have done that_ , but he couldn’t have that conversation, because he remembered the dream perfectly. Trying to embrace Hakyeon, only to see the dancer step back from him, neutral expression but such disgust in his eyes. Hakyeon raising an arm, a phone in his hand, screen facing Hongbin. He didn’t need to see, knew what was on it. Jaehwan’s voice, somewhere close, Hakyeon turning away.

Hyuk broke the kiss. ‘Why won’t you talk to me?’

‘Ssh,’ said Hongbin. ‘Go to sleep, monster.’ He turned over and pretended not to feel Hyuk’s lips on the back of his neck. 

‘Somebody hurt you, didn’t they?’ Hyuk said in a low voice full of pain and anger. ‘They screwed you up.’

‘Let it go.’

Hyuk kept talking as though he hadn’t heard. ‘If I ever find out who did that … I’ll kill them. I’ll _kill them_ , Bean.’ He held Hongbin tightly.

Staring into the dark, Hongbin thought, _oh monster_ , felt himself grin. _You’ll have to kill me, then._

He had to break away from Hyuk, but no matter what he tried, the maknae simply treated him as though nothing was different. Silence didn’t work at all, and Hongbin couldn’t bring himself to push him away with words. Finally, he resorted to sheer cowardice. In front of everyone, he looked straight at Hyuk and said, ‘ _I’m_ going to bed’, with what he hoped was just enough emphasis to make it clear that there was no invitation to follow him. Hongbin saw the maknae’s face tighten; he wanted nothing more at that moment than to apologise, pull him into an embrace. Instead, he walked straight out, willing himself not to show anything.

The way was clear now. Hongbin lay in the dark, trying not to imagine how they would work without him, Jaehwan a much better fit for them. He heard Hyuk’s door close, and shut his eyes, then snapped them open and sat up as he also heard Hakyeon’s door. He didn’t understand. They should be together. 

His phone chimed.

*****

_Monster is online_  
_Fiend is online_

Monster> so now you shut me out too

Fiend> He loves you  
Fiend> He’ll be able to say it now

Fiend> I’m sorry

Monster> fuck you bean

_Monster is offline_

******

The next day had been officially scheduled for ‘rest and recuperation’. It was supposed to be free time, but in Hongbin’s experience that was rarely the case. Leaving aside the helpful suggestions from management about activities they might like to consider pursuing (with, of course, the inevitable request for a camera to be present), days like this usually ended up with one or more of them called out to the studio or into meetings. This time, it looked like they might actually be able to do whatever they wanted. Naturally, most slept the entire morning away.

Hongbin had made tentative plans to play Overwatch; for once, he had no enthusiasm for it. For anything, really. He considered simply staying in his room and sleeping, but after an hour of tossing and trying without success to shut his brain up, he gave in. Dragging on a pair of sweatpants and a tshirt from the ‘can get away without washing yet’ pile, he opened his door and listened. Hakyeon was out, but Hongbin didn’t want to risk running into Hyuk. Didn’t know what he could possibly say to him. All quiet, just the sound of a slight snore from the maknae’s room, and he relaxed a little. 

From the look of the kitchen, someone had been up, probably just long enough to eat a bowl of cereal. The common area was empty. Automatically, Hongbin started for the couch, checked himself, felt his mouth twist. He scooped up the tv remote, and threw himself down into a chair instead. Hyper-aware, listening for any sound of movement, he flipped through the channels. And didn’t realise he’d fallen asleep until the chime of his phone woke him, heart pounding.

 

*****

_Monster is online_  
_N-Mi is online_

Monster> hakyeon  
Monster> we need to talk

N-Mi> Has something happened?

Monster> wow  
Monster> really  
Monster> shit

N-Mi> Please calm down and tell me what’s wrong.

Monster> hakyeon this is crazy

*****

Oh, no. He had to stop Hyuk talking.

*****

_Fiend is online_

N-Mi> Tell me.

Monster> about bean  
Monster> oh crap

Fiend> Tell what?

_Monster is offline_  
_Fiend is offline_

*****

Hongbin was up out of his chair, strode down the hall to Hyuk’s room, threw open the door. The maknae, sitting on his bed, scrambled to his feet as Hongbin stormed in, holding up his phone..

‘What the hell was that about?’ he grated.

Hyuk stammered, ‘Look, I was just -’

‘Just going behind my back?’ Hongbin advanced on the maknae, who took a step back. He knew how he sounded, furious, about a second away from simply hauling off and hitting. _Good, better that way._ Maybe then, _finally_ , Hyuk would let it go.

‘Bean, please.’

‘Don’t talk about me. Don’t say a fucking _word_. Promise me.’ He was losing it, couldn’t keep the strain out of his voice. ‘Just … just go be with them.’

Hyuk let out an exasperated ‘Aish. Not this again.’

‘It’s what he wants -’

‘You’re wrong!’ yelled Hyuk

Hongbin dropped his eyes; it hurt too much to keep looking. ( _tell him_ ). He shook his head, _can’t_ , heard himself say it anyway. ‘I heard him, monster.’

‘I don’t care what you think you heard. Why can’t you just say something?’

Hongbin couldn’t answer, even now trying to keep back from Hyuk what Hakyeon already knew, was too kind ( _too cruel_ ) to say to his face. He turned to go, but Hyuk was too fast, grabbing him, pulling him into a tight embrace. 

‘You still have me,’ Hyuk said in a small voice so unlike his usual self that Hongbin winced. ‘I love you.’

‘Let me go, monster.’

‘It’s broken if you’re not there.’

Hongbin pulled in a pained breath. ‘You’ll build something new,’ he said unsteadily. Hyuk only shook his head.

‘Bean …’

It wasn’t fair, and Hongbin hated himself for doing it, he was weak. Eyes wide open, he kissed Hyuk gently. The maknae kissed back, fierce, but Hongbin could feel him trembling. ( _do it_ )

He broke the kiss, pried Hyuk’s arms loose with difficulty, and turned away to the door. ‘I’m sorry, monster.’ _Goodbye_. 

As it closed behind him, he heard Hyuk’s anguished whisper, on the verge of tears. ‘You’re killing me, you’re both killing me.’

Hongbin made it as far as his room, but just inside the door, he couldn’t hold himself up any longer. Collapsing against the door, he slid down into a heap, holding on to the memory of Hyuk’s mouth on his, telling himself it would be enough ( _still lying_ ). That it was better to hurt him now than destroy him later. ( _you just wanted something for yourself, do you think you can take it into the dark?_ ) He could hear himself laughing.

_What’s wrong with me?_

( _everything just let go_ )

And he did, let go and drifted into dreams of tangled red threads holding him in place, snapping one by one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a bit late! Life, and all that.
> 
> I hope you're enjoying _Shinbyeong_ ... there are many more stories to come.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongbin realised everything had gone quiet around him, looked up to see he was alone at the table. Pushing his chair back, he stood, turned, and nearly ran straight into Hyuk, blocking his path. _Oh, god_. The way Hyuk was looking at him.
> 
> ‘Bean ...’
> 
> Hongbin forced himself to keep an even tone. ‘Can I get past, mon - Hyuk?’ Cursed himself for nearly slipping.
> 
> Hyuk’s face tightened. ‘Sorry, Bean. Don’t hit me.’ 
> 
> ‘What - ‘ Hyuk stepped closed and grabbed him. Hongbin struggled, hissed, ‘Stop it. Let me go.’ Instead, the maknae pulled him towards the hall. _Can’t do this, let me go_ , completely unable to fight against the iron grip of Hyuk’s arms. Hongbin was pushed towards his room, practically carried inside, finally wrenching himself free only to see Hyuk dive for the door, slamming it shut. He leaned against it. Hongbin took a step towards him, stopped. There was someone else in the room.
> 
>  
> 
> _Hakyeon._

There was a phone chiming somewhere close, rattling against a hard surface. Hongbin jolted awake, adrenalin spiking, disoriented. His neck was aching, all his muscles stiffened; he was cold all over. He was - lying on the floor. _Did I pass out? How long have I been here?_ He squinted at the window. It was hard to tell with the curtains drawn, but it looked like it was still daylight outside. Groaning, he pushed himself up into a sitting position. His knee knocked against the phone; still half asleep, he picked it up and blinked at it, focusing with difficulty. The chime was an alarm. 

For seven in the morning. 

Hongbin scrambled to his feet, staring at the phone. _Not possible. Can’t be._ Something had to be wrong with it. He jabbed at the screen to silence the alarm, read the notification, groaned. It was for the first tv shoot for _Love Me Do_. Across the hall, he heard a door open, the sound of Taekwoon protesting at being woken reaching him faintly. Not an error, then. 

_I’ve been here all night._

_What happened?_

Fragments. An empty bowl in the kitchen. His phone chiming in his hand. Yelling at Hyuk. Laughing. 

_Move. (get out of here)_ Hongbin threw open his door, pushed past someone who called after him, grabbed up his running shoes, and fled the dorm. Diving into the lift, he stuffed his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants, pushed his feet into the shoes. When he reached the ground floor, he pushed through the doors before they were fully open and broke into a run.

He had no idea where he was going, didn’t care if he was seen and recognised. Just ran, trying to get away from something he couldn’t name.

_(can’t outrun me)_

Stiff muscles protested, grabbed at him, made him stumble. His head ached; too much, crowding into his mind.

Hyuk, looking at him like he was desirable, holding him through a nightmare. Refusing to let him go. _(you’re killing him)_

Hakyeon, pullling him like gravity. Climbing into his lap, kissing him like he was precious. Over and over, Hakyeon. _(I do love you, Jyani)_

Hongbin heard himself laughing again, a strange, sobbing, breathless noise. He pushed harder, _don’t think don’t think don’t think_. 

Aching, exhausted, he ran, never wanting to stop. Was pulled up short by the sound of his phone. He fell against a wall, fighting for breath. A text. From Hyuk. _Oh god._

> everyone’s leaving  
> where are you

 

The taping. Hongbin looked around. He hadn’t come very far, after all; his mouth twisted at the thought.

>> 5 minutes away  
>> Sorry

 _I can’t do this._ But he had no choice, had to push through. Feet dragging, every part of him resisting, he returned to the dorm. Taekwoon was waiting by the lift. ‘Sorry,’ Hongbin mumbled, ‘won’t be a minute.’ The vocalist didn’t look at him, shifting from foot to foot. Hongbin walked into the lift; just as the doors closed he heard, ‘Wait,’ and hit the hold button as Taekwoon stepped in, still avoiding his eyes. _(hate you)_

 _What the hell?_ Where had that come from? 

Hongbin was first out of the lift. He reached the open doorway of the dorm just in time to hear Hakyeon say, ‘It started during Fantasy. Sanghyuk, and Hongbin … and I, we became close.’ 

No. He couldn’t have heard that right. _(past tense)_ Why would Hakyeon tell Wonsik about them? And why _now_?

‘With Jaehwan, it’s different, he’s sweet.’ 

Hongbin’s mouth twisted. _(sweet, and soft, and everything you’re not)_ He had to get over this. He would. _(liar)_

‘But … _those two_ …’

Something in Hakyeon’s voice, a kind of desperate longing that Hongbin told himself wasn’t, couldn’t be real. Wasn’t the sound of a lover denied.

Wonsik was crying. ‘Was it the music?’

‘Every new song takes us all differently. You - and Hongbin - feel it more than I. Taekwoon, most of all.’ Laughter, in his head, almost drowning Hakyeon out. ‘But it doesn’t make us something we are not. I think it makes us more ourselves.’ Sharp pain, behind his eyes. _What’s happening to me?_ Hongbin sagged in the doorway, hand going up to his face. Something jolted him forward; Taekwoon, pushing past, pulling Wonsik’s hands away from Hakyeon. And then Wonsik took Taekwoon’s face in his hands and kissed him. _(about time)_

‘Hongbin?’ Hakyeon, staring at him in horror.

He couldn’t stop himself. ‘Did you mean it?’ Hongbin’s mouth trembled, but he bit down. ‘ _Did you?_ ’ He didn’t wait for an answer, flung himself around, stumbled down the stairs and back down to the van. Climbing into the back seat, he angled his body towards the window, shut his eyes, and ignored Hyuk when he pushed close. Hakyeon’s words sank in, made Hongbin hope, even now, that he was wrong. That in spite of everything, there was still something to save. He needed to stop hurting, wished desperately to become numb.

The taping was awful, confusing. Hongbin played his part, seducing the camera in his few close-ups, stroking his neck temptingly, with an intimate smile. Dancing from body memory, because his mind seemed crowded with thoughts that couldn’t possibly be his own. He watched them all. Wonsik couldn’t keep a fond smile off his face for long _(if he only knew what was coming)_. Taekwoon laughed, seemed more animated than he had in a long time. Hongbin, stepping behind him for their partnered choreo, felt a sudden surge of fear and hatred _(never forgive you, never)_. Jaehwan, smiling happily when he and Hakyeon had to repeat their move _(soft, so much better for him than you)_. Hyuk, so obviously hurting, whose eyes he tried to avoid as gleeful laughter rose up in him _(not broken, not yet, but we could push)_.

 _I’m going mad_ , he thought wonderingly.

And then Hakyeon added a last minute change to the choreo towards the end of the song. Just a small thing, barely noticed by the director. He stepped up to Hongbin, laid an arm along his back, hand cupping his shoulder. It was over in a second, Hakyeon moving away; Hongbin stared after him, aching, that one touch bringing back everything he was trying to leave behind. _Why? (still wants to play with his pretty doll)_

The director called a break to set up for Hakyeon’s solo. Hongbin, remembering his failure with the duo on tour, couldn’t bear to watch Hakyeon dance, turned away and pulled in on himself. He was aware of Hyuk’s approach, felt a hand on his back, rubbing. Could barely feel it, couldn’t hear what the maknae was saying.

To his surprise, Wonsik insisted on sitting with him on the way back. ‘What’s going on, Binnie?’ Hongbin had no answer, couldn’t even fall back on the half-truth I’m tired. Sighing, Wonsik pulled him into a wordless, one-armed hug. A wave of warmth and reassurance washed over Hongbin, _loved, I’m loved_ , and he squeezed his eyes shut against sudden tears. _(DON’T LET HIM TOUCH US)_ He wanted so badly to push his face against Wonsik’s shoulder, accept the comfort; he pulled back, grating, ‘Don’t’. And kept his head turned away for the rest of the journey, risking a glance at Wonsik only when he was out of the van. There was a strange, clear light in the composer’s eyes that drew Hongbin, made him want to run. _I can’t do this_. He shoved past Hyuk, holding himself tightly, and locked himself in his room. Asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

It was dark when he woke, to a light tapping on his door. ‘Hongbin?’ Wonsik, why didn’t he just come in? Warm, his head blessedly quiet, not inclined to move, Hongbin groaned.

‘What? Just come in, I’m too comfortable.’

‘You locked your door.’ Wonsik’s voice was exasperated.

 _What? I don’t remember_ \- ‘All right, all right, I’m coming.’ Hongbin really didn’t want to move. Stretching, relishing the easy stretch of his muscles, he went the door and opened it. 

Wonsik blinked at him. ‘You look … good, actually.’

Hongbin gave him a dubious look. ‘You woke me up to tell me that.’

‘No, I - look, Leo’s decided to cook for everyone tonight. I thought you’d want to be awake for that.’

‘Wonder what put him in such a good mood,’ said Hongbin, knowing full well. He smiled when Wonsik blushed and flapped a hand at him. ‘All right. You’ve convinced me. I’ll be quick.’ Following Wonsik into the hall, Hakyeon’s voice suddenly in his head, _are you sure, if you’re really not well_ … Hongbin shook his head, but his shoulders tensed, hunched.

The kitchen was full of light, noise, the others crowding around in anticipation of an unexpected treat. Hongbin moved to join them, but stopped as he saw Hakyeon and Jaehwan sitting at the table, smiling, heads bent towards each other as they talked. Tiredness crashed in on him again; all he wanted to do was sleep. Turning from the counter with a large bowl in his hands, Taekwoon called him over. The vocalist looked happy, face almost unguarded. _(look closer)_ Hongbin flinched. Was he never going to be free of that voice? _(never)_

The meal passed in a blur, Hongbin hardly tasting anything. He got through it by taking refuge in his phone, all too aware of the irony in that, pretending to read gamer forums. It gave him an excuse for not following the conversation. In spite of everything, he found himself involved in a long discussion about Overwatch, the newest game becoming popular among other idols. It had been a long time since he’d really taken any interest in - well, anything. Maybe this was a way to get through. Get some distance.. 

He realised everything had gone quiet around him, looked up to see he was alone at the table. Pushing his chair back, he stood, turned, and nearly ran straight into Hyuk, blocking his path. _Oh, god_. The way Hyuk was looking at him.

‘Bean ...’

Hongbin forced himself to keep an even tone. ‘Can I get past, mon - Hyuk?’ Cursed himself for nearly slipping.

Hyuk’s face tightened. ‘Sorry, Bean. Don’t hit me.’ 

‘What - ‘ Hyuk stepped closed and grabbed him. Hongbin struggled, hissed, ‘Stop it. Let me go.’ Instead, the maknae pulled him towards the hall. _Can’t do this, let me go_ , completely unable to fight against the iron grip of Hyuk’s arms. Hongbin was pushed towards his room, practically carried inside, finally wrenching himself free only to see Hyuk dive for the door, slamming it shut. He leaned against it. Hongbin took a step towards him, stopped. There was someone else in the room.

_Hakyeon._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! I have no excuse except to sat that _Moorim School_ just dropped on Netflix AU.
> 
> We're coming to the end of _My Stolen Heart_ , just a few more chapters. Thank you for reading, and I hope you'll stay with the series, as there is much more to come.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You bastard,’ Hongbin growled at Hyuk. ‘Get out of my way.’
> 
> ‘Sorry, Bean,’ replied the maknae. ‘Can’t do that.’
> 
> ‘ _Move_.’
> 
> Very softly, Hakyeon said, ‘Fiend …’
> 
> Whirling on him, Hongbin hissed through clenched teeth. ‘ _Don’t_. Don’t fucking call me that.’
> 
> Shaking, so much he wanted to say. _Why are you here? Why can’t you just leave me alone?_ He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look at Hakyeon’s face. Couldn’t lie to himself. _Love you, need you. Don’t leave me._ Arms wrapping around him, Hakyeon pressing against him. Hongbin tried to pull away; Hyuk grabbed him again, pushed up against his back, locking his hands around them both. 
> 
> ‘Let me go,’ panted Hongbin. Hyuk dropped his forehead against his shoulder, breathing _no_ against him. ‘Let me _go_!’ 
> 
> ‘Will you just shut up and listen?’ growled Hyuk, anger spiking in his voice.
> 
> _I can’t. I can’t._

Hyuk’s face tightened. ‘Sorry, Bean. Don’t hit me.’ 

‘What - ‘ Hyuk stepped closed and grabbed him. Hongbin struggled, hissed, ‘Stop it. Let me go.’ Instead, the maknae pulled him towards the hall. _Can’t do this, let me go_ , completely unable to fight against the iron grip of Hyuk’s arms. Hongbin was pushed towards his room, practically carried inside, finally wrenching himself free only to see Hyuk dive for the door, slamming it shut. He leaned against it. Hongbin took a step towards him, stopped. There was someone else in the room.

_Hakyeon_. 

‘You bastard,’ Hongbin growled at Hyuk. ‘Get out of my way.’

‘Sorry, Bean,’ replied the maknae. ‘Can’t do that.’

‘ _Move_.’

Very softly, Hakyeon said, ‘Fiend …’

Whirling on him, Hongbin hissed through clenched teeth. ‘ _Don’t_. Don’t fucking call me that.’

Shaking, so much he wanted to say. _Why are you here? Why can’t you just leave me alone?_ He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look at Hakyeon’s face. Couldn’t lie to himself. _Love you, need you. Don’t leave me._ Arms wrapping around him, Hakyeon pressing against him. Hongbin tried to pull away; Hyuk grabbed him again, pushed up against his back, locking his hands around them both. 

‘Let me go,’ panted Hongbin. Hyuk dropped his forehead against his shoulder, breathing _no_ against him. ‘Let me _go_!’ 

‘Will you just shut up and listen?’ growled Hyuk, anger spiking in his voice.

_I can’t. I can’t._

Hakyeon said, ‘I love you, fiend’. 

There it was. Finally. Much, much too late, only said to comfort him. ‘That’s low.’ He heard his own voice; it sounded completely flat, and he didn’t understand that, because he thought he was screaming. ‘You love Jaehwan.’

‘Is that what you think?’

‘I heard you tell him. If that’s what you want, if they’ll make you happy, I’ll figure it out. I’ll deal.’ ( _liar_ ). _Just give me one last lie_. ‘I just wish you’d said it to my face.’

‘Oh, fiend. He’s, he’s a sweet man, and I -’

‘It’s all right. You love him.’ _Please, isn’t this enough_. ‘Please, let me go, monster,’ he whispered; there was no strength left in him to fight.

‘ _No!_ ’ Hakyeon yelled into his face. Hongbin flinched back against Hyuk’s chest. ‘Not like I love you. Both of you. He’s a friend. You - you’re just -’ ( _just someone who kept him warm, just a doll he knows is too broken to play with anymore_ ) 

‘You are breath to me,’ said Hakyeon. 

Hyuk was crying. Hongbin could hear him, feel it on the back of his shirt. That was wrong. His monster shouldn’t ever cry. 

He felt like his skin was coming off. _He loves me?_ ( _can’t love you_ )

‘You are blood. You are part of me.’ 

Hakyeon was looking at him. There were tears in his voice. That was wrong. 

Tight bands around his heart, tearing apart. _Loves me?_ ( _no_ )

‘You are my _life_.’

Hongbin gave in, looked at Hakyeon’s face. Saw clearly at last, no laughter, no mocking voice in his head. No pity in Hakyeon’s eyes. 

‘I told you, Bean, I told you.’ Hyuk, shaking as he held him. _Don’t cry, monster. Please don’t cry._

Hongbin heard himself make a small, pained noise. ‘You never said. Never.’ 

‘I’ve been a stupid, frightened fool,’ said Hakyeon. ‘I could feel you both, almost from the start, and I told myself that I never needed to say it.’

‘Why?’

‘I thought that if I ever did, it would be the end. You’d push me away. You’d disappear.’

‘Why would you think that?’ asked Hyuk, bewildered. He let go of Hongbin, stepped close to them both.

Hakyeon hung his head. ‘Because you always pushed me away. You all did.’

‘What were we supposed to do?’ said Hyuk. ‘You were our leader. I had no idea how to even start to get close.’

‘You wanted to?’ Hakyeon sounded honestly bewildered, and it was too much for Hongbin. He uttered a short, mirthless laugh. 

‘Oh God, Hakyeon, how blind were you? I thought it was written all over my face, all the time. I was scared to death _everyone_ knew.’ Hakyeon just shook his head, looking completely blindsided. He closed his eyes, and Hongbin saw tears on his face. _really didn’t know. And all this time_ ... He started to pull his arms around Hakyeon, froze at the whisper in his head. ( _so good at lying, you’re lying to him even now_ ) 

‘What changed?’ asked Hakyeon.

‘This will probaby sound nuts,’ Hyuk said, trying to steady his voice. ‘When we sang together. That first time we heard _Fantasy_ , when we sang together? I … felt something. And then you called me monster.’ He shook his head. 

‘No, it’s not,’ said Hakyeon softly. ‘I know what you’re saying.’

‘I felt it, too,’ said Hongbin quietly, ‘but …’ _I thought I was crazy_. That almost overwhelming sense that they were being tied together, that he’d told himself was no more real than the laughter and the awful voice that never really left him. _But if Hyuk feels it … if they both do ..._

‘So what does it mean? Are we changed now?’ asked Hyuk. 

‘It’s what you said to Wonsik, isn’t it?’ Hongbin heard his voice shake. ‘It makes us ourselves.’ His chest was hitching; he struggled for breath. _It’s real_. Hakyeon’s hand on his face, Hyuk’s fingers in his hair. And Hongbin couldn’t keep back his tears, leaned into them, grabbed for them. He kissed Hyuk urgently, _monster, my monster_. Turned to Hakyeon, pressed his trembling mouth to the dancer’s, _love you, save me_. 

( _then I’m real too_ )

Hyuk sniffed loudly. ‘This is ridiculous,’ he said. ‘We’re a mess.’ Breaking the kiss, Hongbin pulled back only far enough to see the maknae’s red eyes and Hakyeon’s tear-streaked face. He knew his own was no better, and that there was still pain there, but for the first time, he felt he really was loved. All he could do was stare.

‘Hey, Bean,’ said Hyuk, grinning.

‘Hmm?’ Hyuk grabbed him, picked him as though he weighed absolutely nothing. ‘Wait!’

‘Revenge is sweet,’ said Hyuk, and virtually threw Hongbin onto his bed. Instantly, Hakyeon was on him, straddling him. Smiling down into his face, Hakyeon said, ‘Hello, fiend.’

‘Hey,’ gasped Hongbin. ‘Hey.’ ( _hello_ )

Hyuk landed on the bed beside him, leaned over, capturing his mouth in a rough, needy kiss. Finally coming up for air, he muttered, ‘Missed you.’ 

Hongbin smiled up at him sheepishly. ‘I’m sorry’. ( _hello monster_ ) 

Hakyeon bent down and ran his tongue along Hongbin’s neck, brushed his lips over his mouth. He whispered something, just a breath on skin, too faint for Hongbin to hear, but he knew. ‘I love you, too,’ finally able to say it. ‘I’m sorry. I’m an idiot’.

‘Ssh, Hongbinnie,’ said Hakyeon. He sat up, looking between them. Something in his expression, intense and yet somehow unfocused, drew Hongbin in, drowned a sudden spike of fear. He reached up and laid his hand over Hakyeon’s heart, saw Hyuk do the same. Their fingers touched against Hakyeon’s skin. Hongbin could feel them both, more strongly than ever before; love, desire, a desperate need to be always tied together. And something else, overshadowing each of them. A warm, bright presence, dangerous but protective, wrapped around Hyuk. Hakyeon, flowing like water, light dancing in his eyes that reminded Hongbin of the way Wonsik had looked at him, reaching out to lay his hand over Hongbin’s eyes. ( _no_ )

A door slammed somewhere in his head. Hongbin let out a strangled cry, _what’s happening to us_ , heard Hyuk’s half-gasp, half-growl. Then Hakyeon’s hand was gone from his eyes, and the dancer fell forwards onto them, breathing, ‘My loves ... oh, my loves’. 

Hongbin turned over towards Hyuk, pulling Hakyeon with him to lie between them. He wanted so badly to give himself over, completely. Knew he couldn’t, but for now, at least, he could try to love them they way they deserved to be.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this story so far ... there's still a little to go, and I hope you'll be around for the end!
> 
> If you're reading the _Shinbyeong_ series, I'll be posting a series of one-shots and drabbles once _My Stolen Heart_ is complete, before we get to the finale, _Save Me_. Love to see you there!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongbin surrendered the mug to Hyuk, stealing a quick kiss as the maknae closed his hand around it, and sat down on the side of the bed. ‘You know, this still doesn’t feel real,’ he said quietly. Hakyeon took the mug from Hongbin’s hand and set it down on the bedside table next to his own. He pulled Hongbin close, pressed their foreheads together.
> 
> ‘Trust, Hongbinnie. It’s real. I love you.’ Hongbin shivered as Hakyeon kissed him, just a brush of his lips at first, then gentle pressure with his tongue to open his mouth. Almost exactly like the first kiss they’d shared, both of them half-asleep and reaching out blindly. Hongbin brought his arms up around Hakyeon, took control of the kiss, and the dancer melted against him, sighing. The bed dipped, and Hongbin felt Hyuk’s chest hard up against his back. The maknae grazed the side of Hongbin’s neck with his teeth, and Hongbin moaned softly against Hakyeon’s lips.
> 
> ‘I love you both so much,’ he breathed. Hyuk tugged at his arm, pushed him down on his back. Hakyeon leaned over to kiss him again. A loud knocking at the door, and they froze, looking at each other.

Daylight through his closed eyes. Warmth against his body, skin on skin. Soft, even breathing, barely audible. The scent of Hakyeon’s shampoo …

_Hakyeon._

Hongbin’s eyes flew open, arms instinctively tightening around the dancer who lay sleeping, nestled against him. Beside Hakyeon, Hyuk, cuddled close, one heavy arm draped over, hand loosely clasping Hongbin’s elbow. The maknae’s face still held the remnants of the strain that had racked him in the past days. Hongbin looked at him sadly. _Oh, monster, what I’ve done to you._ He didn’t know how he could even begin to make up for it.

Hakyeon stirred, turned his head towards Hongbin, eyes still shut. ‘Good morning, my love,’ he murmured, still half-asleep.

_Not a dream_ , then? Instinctively, Hongbin tensed, waited for the voice. Nothing. Not even the echo of a mad laugh. _Am I free?_ A gentle hand on his face; he blinked, focused on Hakyeon, now looking up at him. Suddenly felt completely awkward, which seemed ridiculous given how tightly their naked bodies were pressed together. ‘Uh … hello,’ said Hongbin, with a fond, stupid smile.

‘I’d turn over, but the monster is _very_ hard to move, Hakyeon said. ‘And we’ll have to get up soon enough.’ He sighed. ‘Perhaps I could just tell the stylists we’re all too ill to work today.’

Hongbin regarded him incredulously. Hakyeon - responsible, sensible Hakyeon - suggesting they duck out on their commitments? ‘Who are you, and what have you done with our leader?’ 

Looking more than a little put out, Hakyeon replied, ‘I can be rebellious, too, you know.’ Hongbin just laughed. 

At the sound, Hyuk stirred, a frown crossing his face. ‘Can’t a monster get any sleep around here?’

Hongbin poked him. ‘You’ve slept enough. You sleep like the dead.’

‘After the way you two wore me out last night, can you blame me?’ Hyuk grumbled. ‘Oww - not that I’m complaining,’ he added hastily, as Hakyeon swatted him. ‘But since you woke me up, you can go and get me coffee.’

‘Since when am I your servant?’

‘I’d like tea,’ said Hakyeon, smiling sweetly. 

Hongbin gave up. ‘All right, all right, I’m going.’ He slipped out of bed reluctantly, and stood looking down at them as Hyuk shifted, drawing Hakyeon in closer. _I’ll never be worthy of you._ ‘Monster …’

Hyuk opened one eye and peered at him. ‘What?’

‘ … Nothing.’ Hongbin went to a pile of their clothing, pulled out sweatpants and stepped into them. Crossing to the door he was stopped by Hyuk’s sleepy voice.

‘Love you too, Bean.’

Smiling like an idiot, Hongbin went to the kitchen, where he found nothing short of a complete mess. Clearly, someone hadn’t done their share of the dishes last night after Taekwoon’s occupation of the kitchen. Piling dirty bowls on the sink so that he could at least wash a few cups, Hongbin realised it had been his job. _Great._ If he left it, he was going to catch hell from the others. As the tea steeped and the coffee brewed, he stacked the dishwasher, absently humming to himself.

Arms wound around his waist, making him jump. Hakyeon nuzzled at his back. ‘You sound happy,’ the dancer said.

‘I am,’ said Hongbin, relaxing in Hakyeon’s arms. _I really am._ ‘Why are you out of bed, anyway?’

‘You were taking too long. I missed you.’

‘I was gone five minutes,’ laughed Hongbin, turning in his arms. He leaned down and kissed Hakyeon, lost himself in warmth, still feeling as though any moment he could wake up alone. 

‘Ugh, kissing,’ came Jaehwan’s voice. ‘I have to eat here, you know.’

They broke the kiss, Hakyeon’s blush completely undermined by his wide smile. He reached behind Hongbin and picked up his mug. ‘Perhaps I’d better not tell you what else has happened in this kitchen, then.’ Jaehwan gave Hakyeon a revolted look as he walked past, then wrinkled his nose at Hongbin.

_Say something_ , Hongbin told himself. _You owe him that_. ‘Look, Jaehwan … Jyani, I - ‘ Hongbin tried again. ‘I’m really sorry …’

‘No justifications, that was disgusting,’ scolded the vocalist. ‘I should make you bleach everything.’

‘That’s not … I’m … I’ve been a complete bastard to you.’

Suddenly serious, Jaehwan said, ‘It’s me who should apologise, Binnie.’

‘What?’ It was last thing Hongbin had expected.

‘I never meant to come between you three,’ said the vocalist. It was selfish, I didn’t even realise until that night Shiki went to pieces.’

Hongbin just stared, unable to process Jaehwan’s words. ‘Wait …’

‘You’ve got something special, don’t screw it up, okay?’ With that Jaehwan turned and walked out of the kitchen, leaving Hongbin looking after him, off-balance. _He apologised to me? What did I do to deserve that? I’ve misjudged everything. Everyone._

Hyuk yelled from Hongbin’s room. ‘Where’s my coffee? Don’t make me murder you.’ Shaking his head to clear it, Hongbin poured out two mugs, added milk and three heaped tablespoons of sugar to the maknae’s. He adopted a long-suffering expression and took the coffee back to his room. Hyuk was sitting up in bed. ‘Took you long enough. Gimme.’

Hongbin looked at him seriously, holding the mug just out of his reach. ‘You know, I don’t think coffee is good for you. Gets you all worked up.’

‘I’ll show _you_ worked up,’ growled Hyuk. He threw off the covers and stalked towards Hongbin, who held the mugs out to each side, grinning. He cupped the back of Hongbin’s neck, pulled him down, and kissed until Hongbin was out of breath, then pushed him backwards with the flat of his hand. ‘ _Coffee_. Or I’ll never kiss you like that again.’

Watching from the bed, Hakyeon called, ‘Oh, just give it to him, fiend, and come here’. 

Hongbin surrendered the mug to Hyuk, stealing a quick kiss as the maknae closed his hand around it, and sat down on the side of the bed. ‘You know, this still doesn’t feel real,’ he said quietly. Hakyeon took the mug from Hongbin’s hand and set it down on the bedside table next to his own. He pulled Hongbin close, pressed their foreheads together.

‘Trust, Hongbinnie. It’s real. I love you.’ Hongbin shivered as Hakyeon kissed him, just a brush of his lips at first, then gentle pressure with his tongue to open his mouth. Almost exactly like the first kiss they’d shared, both of them half-asleep and reaching out blindly. Hongbin brought his arms up around Hakyeon, took control of the kiss, and the dancer melted against him, sighing. The bed dipped, and Hongbin felt Hyuk’s chest hard up against his back. The maknae grazed the side of Hongbin’s neck with his teeth, and Hongbin moaned softly against Hakyeon’s lips.

‘I love you both so much,’ he breathed. Hyuk tugged at his arm, pushed him down on his back. Hakyeon leaned over to kiss him again. A loud knocking at the door, and they froze, looking at each other.

From the hall, Wonsik said, ‘Whatever you’re doing, it had better be over in ten minutes. We have that photo shoot at the Tower this morning, remember?’ Hyuk groaned, dropping his head against the mattress.

‘It must be later than I thought,’ said Hakyeon, mortified. ‘I’m sorry, Wonsik, we’ll be ready quickly.’ He scrambled out of bed, Hyuk climbing out reluctantly from the other side. Hongbin stayed where he was, watching them both scramble to recover their clothes. There was a thunk, and a muffled ‘oops’ from Hyuk as his foot connected with the mug he’d left on the floor and tipped it over. In the act of pulling on his pants, Hakyeon caught his gaze, and gave him a lingering, appreciative look. Hongbin grinned, stretching. ‘Stop that, fiend’. 

‘Before I make us all late,’ said Hyuk.

Hongbin laughed at them, loving them both. ‘Get out of here, both of you. Let a man dress in peace.’

Muttering darkly about confiscating clothes, Hyuk grabbed up his shirt and left the room. Hakyeon gave Hongbin a last look, darted in for a quick kiss, and was gone. As the door shut, Hongbin sat up, still smilng, heart full. ( _and yet you’re still lying_ )

The smile died.

On the way down the van, Hongbin felt his arm caught, looked back to see Wonsik. The composer stood stock still, staring at him. ‘Uh, can I help you?’

‘You’re happy, aren’t you?’ asked Wonsik in a strange, clear voice completely unlike his usual low tone.

Hongbin blinked. ‘Wonsik?’

‘Aren’t you?’ In the dim light of the lobby, Wonsik’s eyes looked unfocused.

‘What? Of course we are.’ Hongbin tried to free his arm, but Wonsik held him.

‘You. Are _you_ happy?’

Hongbin looked at Wonsik guardedly. ‘Where’s this coming from?’

‘ _Hongbin_ ,’ said the composer, almost his normal voice.

‘Okay, yes, I’m happy, you weirdo,’ said Hongbin. ‘Never been happier. What’s with you today?’

Wonsik laid his hand on Hongbin’s face, gazed at him for a long moment. Hongbin saw, impossibly, the composer’s eyes lighten, become almost colourless. ‘You are _so_ loved,’ said Wonsik, and Hongbin suddenly wanted to lean into the caress, to run fast and run far. 

‘What are you -?’ His voice shook.

Wonsik dropped his hand, pulled in a quick breath, as though startled from sleep. He gave Hongbin a confused glance, then walked away, shaking his head. Hongbin just stood there, staring after him, thinking, _his eyes … I couldn’t have seen that_. A sudden, clear memory of the watcher looking at him in the club, _what’s that got to do with this_? He scrubbed his hands over his face. ‘I am going crazy,’ he muttered. ‘Seeing things now. It’s just Wonsik being weird.’

Mocking laughter sounded in his head, so loud, so close. Hongbin flinched.

‘Bean!’ came Hyuk’s shout. ‘Get your butt in the van before I drag you in here!’

Telling himself that the maknae’s voice was the only thing he heard ( _liar_ ), Hongbin went to join the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all that angst, a little schmoop and good feels. And maybe just a bit more weirdness, for reasons.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He dug in his pockets for the heavy weight, stripping away the plastic packaging. His hand shook as he took out the marker and uncapped it. _Should have done this at home_ , but he’d decided there was too great a risk of being discovered. ( _liar_ ), and he couldn’t argue with that, because there was an undeniable thrill about the idea of doing this in public, right under everyone’s noses. He clenched his jaw, tried to calm down. _Nothing can go wrong._ It was a stupid, dangerous idea; he was going to go through with it, no matter what.

Though bright, it was a cold, blustery day, and there was no shelter on the Namsan Tower viewing platform. ‘Well, this was a terrific idea,’ said Hongbin sourly, hunching against the wind. The others, huddled up in heavy padded coats and scarves, stood close together, shivering, while the photographers finished setting up.

‘Well, we had to come in the off-season,’ said Hakyeon, only his eyes visible between a bright red beanie and scarf. ‘Otherwise we’d never be able to move up here.’ His tone was apologetic, but Hongbin could hear an undercurrent of mischief. 

‘You just like seeing us all suffer,’ he said, bumping Hakyeon gently.

‘Could be worse, I suppose,’ said Hyuk. ‘Could be snowing.’ He looked ridiculously comfortable in only a jacket, hands shoved into his pockets. 

There was a pained groan from Taekwoon, who clutched a huge travel mug as though it was a lifeline. ‘Shut _up_.’

‘Just because _you_ run hot, monster,’ said Hongbin without thinking. ‘I don’t know how we can sleep -’ _Oh, crap_. He looked around wildly; the only people within earshot were part of the security detail, who scanned the small crowd of tourists with indifferent faces. Hongbin let out a long breath. 

A touch on his arm. Hakyeon said quietly, ‘Calm down, fiend, what’s got into you today? You’ve been twitchy since we left.’

‘Just … a bit nervous, I’ll be okay,’ Hongbin replied. _Nothing can go wrong with this plan. Nothing._

‘It’s just a photoshoot, what is there to be nervous about?’ Hakyeon sounded honestly mystified.

‘Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell you everything later.’ Hongbin gave the dancer what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and Hakyeon subsided as one of the photographers called him over to pose with Taekwoon. Drawn by the sight of the cameras, tourists clustered around to watch. The security detail were about to have their hands full, the stylists also positioning themselves to provide an additional layer of separation between the idols and the public. Hongbin knew he’d never get a better chance. Keeping one eye on the photographers and security, Hongbin bent close to Hyuk, spoke low in his ear. ‘I’ll be back. Call me if I’m missed.’

‘Wait - what are you going to do?’ Hyuk whispered, as Hongbin moved away. 

‘Tell you later,’ he said.

( _you won’t tell them everything you know you can’t_ ) 

So loud in his head, and Hongbin realised with a horrible thrill that he was mouthing the words. Ducking inside the tower, he headed for a bathroom and locked himself in a stall, leaned against the door. _It can’t be real, it can’t, pushitdown_. He felt his mouth stretch into a grin. ‘No,’ he growled through clenched teeth, tilting his head back against the door. ‘Get a fucking grip, you’re not going to ruin this for them.’ Slowly, he felt his face relax.

He dug in his pockets for the heavy weight, stripping away the plastic packaging. His hand shook as he took out the marker and uncapped it. _Should have done this at home_ , but he’d decided there was too great a risk of being discovered. ( _liar_ ), and he couldn’t argue with that, because there was an undeniable thrill about the idea of doing this in public, right under everyone’s noses. He clenched his jaw, tried to calm down. _Nothing can go wrong._ It was a stupid, dangerous idea; he was going to go through with it, no matter what.

Finally done, he stuffed the pen back in his pocket and pulled up his scarf over his mouth and nose again. Exiting the bathroom, he fell into step with a group of excited tourists, followed them, head down, out to the platform again. Instead of rejoining the photoshoot, however, he turned left and pushed through to the railing, using his coat to shield what he was doing from those around him. He dragged out his phone, stepped back, and took a picture. _Got away with it_. 

( _look at you, hiding truth in lies_ ) 

The voice was low, approving. Hongbin shivered. Somehow, that was worse than the mocking laughter. His phone chimed in his hand, making him jump. A text from Hyuk:

**> you better get back here**  
**> you’re up next**

**> > coming back now**

 

He slipped past the security detail effortlessly, grinning happily, in a state of high excitement. Hyuk eyed him suspiciously as the director called them both forward. ‘What are you up to?’ Hyuk whispered.

‘You’ll find out,’ said Hongbin, handing his coat and scarf to a waiting assistant. ‘My god, it’s freezing, whose idea was this, anyway?’

Hyuk nodded towards Hakyeon, and when Hongbin looked over, the dancer gave him a quick wave. ‘Who else?’

‘I think some revenge might be called for, what do you say?’ murmured Hongbin, gratefully draping himself over Hyuk when directed to do so. ‘You’re so _warm_ , I love that about you.’

Hyuk elbowed him gently. ‘Stop that. Anyway, you love everything about me.’

‘True. So … revenge?’

‘Depends what you had in mind,’ said Hyuk warily.

They were waved back by the director, and Hongbin shrugged back into his coat. ‘I’ll let you know.’ He walked back to where Hakyeon was standing, moved behind him. ‘Love you,’ he whispered into Hakyeon’s ear, smiling when he saw the dancer flush. Risk-taking, always pushing it, but such a tiny risk, and absolutely worth it.

When they were all finally let go, they crowded back into the van, chilled through. Jaehwan, claiming the front seat, fiddled with the heating controls until the windows steamed up and they were forced to open windows. Hakyeon, head on Hyuk’s shoulder, scolded the vocalist, but it was half-hearted at best. Wonsik and Taekwoon took the back; it had become their default seat. Their couch, thought Hongbin, stretching out alone just in front of them, behind his lovers. No one was looking. It was time. 

Hongbin pulled out his phone, opened up the chat room. The other two were already online, but there was no activity. Suppressing a smile, Hongbin quickly accessed the admin permissions and made a few changes, then uploaded the picture.

*****

_Monster is online_  
_Jindallae is online_  
_Fiend is online_

 

 _Fiend has shared_ **lovelock.jpg**

  


 

A close-up of the fence on the viewing platform, brightly coloured padlocks clustered all over it like barnacles. Each one bearing the names of lovers, some with dates or messages, in a dozen different languages. And right in the foreground, the scarlet lock that Hongbin had snapped onto the fence when he’d slipped away.

Their names, scrawled in black marker, out there in the open. Not their real names, of course. Their nicknames - although in a weird way, they felt like actual names, at least for him, and possibly also for Hyuk - 괴물 (monster), and 악마 (fiend). It was harder to think what to write for Hakyeon. Hongbin considered and discarded several candidates, all of which were already used by others; he wanted something special to just them. In the end, though, he kept coming back to 애인 (lover). It wasn’t unique at all; he’d heard at least a dozen couples call each other that as they examined the locks already in place. But it was, somehow, right. 

Hongbin heard Hakyeon’s quickly suppressed gasp, caught Hyuk’s incredulous look as he twisted around in his seat.

 

Monster> you didn’t

Fiend> ... 

Monster> you did

Jindallae> When did you  
Jindallae> Wait.  
Jindallae> You changed my chatroom name?

Monster> to azalea, that’s perfect

Fiend> _points at Monster_  
Fiend > It was his idea

Monster> NOT GUILTY  
Monster> didn’t even know he was going to do that

Fiend> Sure that’s what you say NOW

Jindallae> I don’t know what to believe anymore.  
Jindallae> Did you really put that lock there?

Fiend> Now everyone knows  
Fiend> Everyone  
Fiend> Even if they don’t realise it

Jindallae> I want to kiss you.

Monster> me too

Fiend> Want to kiss you both  
Fiend> All over  
Fiend> Right now

Jindallae> ohh

Monster> well that got steamy fast

Fiend> Wait until we get home

 

*****

 

Hakyeon, one eye on the driver, shifted in his seat, slung his arm over the back. Hongbin bent quickly and pressed his lips to the dancer’s hand. ‘You never stop surprising me,’ said Hakyeon quietly, and Hongbin grinned.

‘You have no idea, jindallae,’ he said.

Ten minutes later, he created a private chat and paged Hyuk.

 

*****

_Fiend has invited you to [kai-bai-bo]_

_Fiend is online_  
_Monster is online_

 

Fiend> I have an idea

Monster> another one  
Monster> oh crap

Fiend> You didn’t like the lock?

Monster> you know i did  
Monster> but you’re crazy  
Monster> you could have been caught

Fiend> Half the fun, really

Monster> definitely crazy … i love you

Fiend> Love you, too …

Monster> all right, what’s the idea?

Fiend> You should be fine with this  
Fiend> It’s a game

Monster> so that’s why you called this room kai-bai-bo?  
Monster> what are we playing for

Fiend> Jindallae  
Fiend> Who else

Monster> …  
Monster> he’s going to kill us

 

Hongbin gave the camera his best manic grin, uploaded the picture.

 

_Fiend has shared fiend.jpg_

[](https://ibb.co/Hq5xQH6)

 

Monster> ohshit

Fiend> TRUST ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writing on the lovelock is a wonderful photoshop from my amazing partner in crime, vixxbitch, who even went to the trouble of taking a look at Hongbin's actual handwriting to get the slant right. Thank you so much!
> 
> For language nerds like me, the Romanisation of their name is: 
> 
> monster = goemul
> 
> fiend = agma
> 
> lover = aein
> 
> Kai-bai-bo is, of course, the classic rock-paper-scissors game.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Sanghyuk?’ said Hakyeon. ‘This is Hongbin’s room, why are we -’ He stopped as he caught sight of Hongbin, leaning against the wall next to the door, arms folded, head down. ‘What’s going on?’
> 
> ‘Hello, jindallae,’ said Hongbin, without raising his head. 
> 
> ‘Fiend?’ said Hakyeon warily. He jumped as Hyuk caught him around the waist from behind. Hongbin pushed off from the wall, stepped in front of Hakyeon and took his face in both hands. Looking directly at the dancer, he gave him a mad smile.
> 
> ‘We played kai-bai-bo for you, jindallae,’ he said, very softly, grinning even wider when he saw Hakyeon shiver.
> 
> The dancer swallowed. ‘Who won?’ he asked.
> 
> ‘Guess,’ whispered Hyuk, right into his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kai-bai-bo is the rock-paper-scissors game.

It was pure luck that Wonsik and Taekwoon were away on location, filming the new LR music video. Getting rid of Jaehwan was harder to organise; in the end Hongbin swallowed his pride, and simply asked him to let them have the place to themselves. The vocalist appeared to consider it for two long minutes, eyes narrowed. 

‘I’m not sure I can, it’s awfully short notice,’ he said. ‘Maybe you could organise another night?’ 

Hongbin groaned inwardly. This was the last thing he wanted to deal with; why couldn’t the man just agree and be done with it? From behind him, he heard Hyuk. The maknae wound his arms around Hongbin, leaned his chin on his shoulder. ‘ _Jae_ hwan,’ he said, exasperated. ‘Stop teasing. Just shove off for the night, okay?’

Jaehwan pouted. ‘Or what?’

‘Or no more pats for you, _ever_ ,’ threatened Hongbin. The vocalist shrieked dramatically, clutched at his heart. 

‘You wouldn’t do that to me! I’d die, and I’m too cute to die,’ he protested. 

‘Try me,’ said Hongbin, fighting down a grin.

‘I really wouldn’t,’ offered Hyuk. ‘He’s got a mean streak like you wouldn’t believe.’ 

‘Yah! So cruel!’ cried Jaehwan. Hongbin took one step forward, started to tilt his head to the side.

‘Uh-oh. I’d go now, Jyani, while you still can,’ Hyuk said. Jaehwan took to his heels, fleeing down the hall. Just before he reached the front door, he turned and gave them both an insolent smile.

‘You could have just said you wanted to have sex. Honestly,’ and he ducked out of the door.

‘Huh. Never thought of the direct approach,’ said Hongbin. 

‘It’s okay, I had a backup plan.’ Hongbin eyed the maknae suspiciously. ‘I was just going to stick my tongue down your throat until he ran away screaming about boy germs.’ 

‘I’m not sure that would work,’ said Hongbin.

‘Then I’d just move on to plan C.’ 

‘Do I want to know?’

Hyuk made a completely unconvincing display of looking hurt. ‘Well, if you don’t _want_ me to go down on you … ‘

From the front door came the sound of a key turning in the lock. Hongbin said, ‘You just hold that thought. Ready?’

By the time Hakyeon slipped off his shoes and hung up his coat, they were in position, Hyuk sitting on the back of a lounge chair, kicking his legs, the picture of innocence. From where he was hidden, Hongbin heard him jump to his feet, grab Hakyeon up, and spin him around, kissing him soundly. ‘Welcome home,’ said the maknae too loudly. ‘I missed you, aein.’ 

Hongbin winced. _Subtle, monster._

‘Where is everybody?’ asked Hakyeon. 

‘Out,’ Hyuk answered. ‘There’s just us.’ _Technically true_. Footsteps, coming closer. Hongbin looked down as the door handle turned, and light from the hall spilled into the darkened room.

‘Sanghyuk?’ said Hakyeon. ‘This is Hongbin’s room, why are we -’ He stopped as he caught sight of Hongbin, leaning against the wall next to the door, arms folded, head down. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Hello, jindallae,’ said Hongbin, without raising his head. 

‘Fiend?’ said Hakyeon warily. He jumped as Hyuk caught him around the waist from behind. Hongbin pushed off from the wall, stepped in front of Hakyeon and took his face in both hands. Looking directly at the dancer, he gave him a mad smile.

‘We played kai-bai-bo for you, jindallae,’ he said, very softly, grinning even wider when he saw Hakyeon shiver.

The dancer swallowed. ‘Who won?’ he asked.

‘Guess,’ whispered Hyuk, right into his ear. 

Hongbin trailed his fingers over Hakyeon’s mouth, gently tugging at his bottom lip. With his other hand, he undid the top button on the dancer’s shirt, Hyuk pulling the fabric free of his waistband. Unhurried, they freed each button until their hands met. Hongbin ran his hands over Hakyeon’s bare chest, drew the shirt down off his shoulders, and kissed the hollow of his collarbone, tongue licking gently. ‘Love how you taste,’ he murmured. He dragged his tongue up over the side of Hakyeon’s neck, sucked at his skin. He’d been half hard for a while, anticipating what was to come; Hakyeon’s soft ‘ _oh_ ’ made his cock twitch against his pants. Hyuk mirrored him, sucking a red mark onto the other side of Hakyeon’s neck. Colour high, the dancer trembled in their grasp, breathing coming faster now. 

Impatient as ever, Hyuk hands went to Hakyeon’s waist again, working at his belt, pushing down his pants. Hongbin stepped in close, arms sliding up over Hyuk’s to grip his shoulders. He pulled Hyuk’s head towards him, kissed him hungrily next to Hakyeon’s ear. Groaning against Hongbin’s mouth, the maknae tightened his hold on the dancer, rocked forward. Hongbin pushed back, the two of them, still fully clothed, grinding against Hakyeon’s naked body. Trapped, the dancer moved with them helplessly, feet barely touching the ground. 

Hyuk broke the kiss. ‘Ours,’ he gasped, buried his face in Hakyeon’s hair.

Dropping his hands to hold the maknae by the hips, Hongbin nipped at Hakyeon’s earlobe. ‘ _All_ ours.’ 

Hakyeon moaned, ran his fingers through their hair. ‘I want to feel you.’ Picking him up, Hyuk broke free long enough to seat him on the bed. As he straightened up, Hongbin was on him, holding him by the waist, rolling his body, mouth fastened on his throat. Hyuk fumbled with the buttons of Hongbin’s shirt, growled, ‘ _Fuck_ it’. He fisted his hands in the fabric and simply ripped it open and tore it off. Buttons flew, one narrowly missing Hakyeon. A wild, reckless excitement stirred in Hongbin, tinged by a faint sense of unease. _Pushitdown_ , he told himself. Releasing Hyuk’s throat, he saw the dancer start to stand.

‘Wait,’ Hongbin growled. ‘ _Watch_.’ Wide-eyed, Hakyeon sank back onto the bed. ‘ _Such_ a monster,’ he teased, slipping his hands under the maknae’s t-shirt to circle his nipples. 

‘Oh fuck,’ panted Hyuk. ‘This wasn’t in the plan.’ 

‘Plans change,’ purred Hongbin, almost giddy. ‘Our jindallae deserves a show.’ 

‘In that case,’ said Hyuk, and grabbed for Hongbin’s belt. 

Hongbin knocked the maknae’s hands away, took hold of the back of his t-shirt and pulled it partway over his head. While Hyuk struggled to extricate himself, Hongbin locked eyes with Hakyeon and went to his knees, undid the maknae’s pants and let them fall. Leaning forward, he ran the tip of his tongue along the underside of Hyuk’s cock, saw Hakyeon lick his lips involuntarily. Raised his eyebrows, saw Hakyeon’s jerky nod. Just as Hyuk finally managed to get the t-shirt off, Hongbin sank his mouth down over the head and, opening his throat, took the maknae deep. The feel of him, the taste, so good. Hongbin’s eyes closed involuntarily. He began to draw back slowly.

Immediately, he felt a hand tangle in his hair, holding him still. _Got you_ , he thought. Hyuk thrust forward into his mouth, moaning. ‘Oh, _yes_ ,’ murmured a soft voice by Hongbin’s ear; Hakyeon, crouching down by him, putting his hand on his back, breathless. There it was, that strange echo that only Hakyeon could cause, stronger than ever, blurring the lines between them. Hongbin shuddered, felt the same tremor course through Hyuk, and bobbed his head faster. The maknae was trembling, about to fall. _So close, already, what are you doing to us, Hakyeon?_ Hongbin took him right down to the base, hollowed his cheeks, sucked hard. Hyuk let out a strangled cry, went rigid, came hard into his mouth, collapsed to the floor as Hongbin swallowed.

Then Hakyeon was between them, kissing Hongbin, licking inside his mouth, tasting. Hongbin groaned at the intrusion, deliciously filthy, unexpected from the usually delicate dancer. He fought the urge to grab Hakyeon’s hand and push it into his pants. Breaking the kiss, he turned Hakyeon towards Hyuk, who was already sitting up, reaching for him. 

‘Lovely monster,’ murmured Hakyeon, stroking his face. ‘Beautiful, thank you, thank you.’ 

Hongbin couldn’t hold in the laughter; Hakyeon turned to him, confusion furrowing his brow. Voice still unsteady, Hyuk said, ‘Don’t thank us yet, aein.’ To Hongbin he asked, rather plaintively, ‘Can we _please_ go back to the plan, now?’ 

Still laughing, Hongbin stood, held out his hands to help them up. Hakyeon said, ‘ _You_ are wearing far too many clothes,’ and deftly removed Hongbin’s pants, letting his eyes roam appreciatively. ‘I could look at you like this all night.’

‘About that,’ replied Hongbin. He moved over to the bed and sat up against the wall. ‘Come here, jindallae.’ As Hakyeon joined him, Hongbin manoeuvred the dancer so that he was nestled between his thighs, leaning back against his chest. He hooked his legs around Hakyeon’s, holding them apart. They were quickly joined by Hyuk, who knelt in front of them and peppered the inside of Hakyeon’s thighs with tiny kisses. From behind the pillow Hongbin drew out the length of black silk he’d concealed there earlier, and softly stroked Hakyeon’s face and neck with it. Already shivering from Hyuk’s kisses, Hakyeon let his head fall back. He gasped as the silk was drawn across his eyes, and again when Hongbin tied it into place. 

‘What are you doing?’ whispered Hakyeon.

  
[ ](https://ibb.co/zRf2G30)

Hongbin brushed his lips against the dancer’s neck, and said, very low, right at his ear, ‘Sending you into overdrive’. At the same time, Hyuk breathed on Hakyeon’s cock, mouth almost grazing the skin. The resulting moan was loud, vibrating through Hongbin’s chest. ‘Go on, monster,’ he said, and barely controlled an urge to shove his hips forward as he saw Hyuk inch his mouth down on Hakyeon’s cock, draw back until just the head was between his lips. Hakyeon arched, and Hyuk repeated the motions, taking him a little deeper each time, setting up a rhythm that quickly had Hakyeon gasping and writhing against Hongbin, hands fluttering in the air. His own breathing ragged, Hongbin murmured, ‘I wonder if you’ll pass out again,’ and let out a satisfied chuckle that choked off as Hakyeon squirmed in his lap. ‘Let’s find out.’ He sucked a red mark into the skin just below the dancer’s jawline, pinching his nipples gently. Hakyeon convulsed, crying out; Hongbin saw Hyuk struggle to swallow. 

Groping blindly, Hakyeon caught Hyuk by the hair, tugged him close. Still twitching with aftershocks, he captured the maknae’s mouth with his own in that same starving, devouring kiss. Covered as he was by the dancer’s body, Hongbin was already being swamped by the sensations flooding into him, but the burst of sheer, hungry lust that hit him when Hakyeon tasted himself on Hyuk’s tongue catapulted him right over the edge. He came, teeth buried in Hakyeon’s shoulder, thrusting against him again and again. 

‘Holy crap,’ panted Hyuk. ‘At this rate, I’m not gonna survive.’

Hongbin reached down over the side of the bed and snagged a towel. Coaxing Hakyeon to sit forward, he wiped them both, cursing under his breath as the rough material dragged against his over-sensitive skin. It was some comfort to see that the dancer, when he slipped the blindfold down to lie loosely around his neck, looked likewise discomfited, but Hongbin was growing steadily more uneasy. Nothing he could name, yet, but he felt the tiniest thread of fear stealing into his mind. _Pushitdown, dammit. This isn't about you._ Hyuk flopped down beside him, and he automatically made room for Hakyeon to take his accustomed place between them. Tangled together, they lay in silence, trading gentle kisses that gradually deepened. Hongbin, his arm draped across them both, tapped Hyuk on the arm. Propping themselves up on their elbows, they smiled down at Hakyeon.

‘I think it’s time,’ said Hongbin.

Hakyeon glanced from one to the other. ‘Time for what?’

Hyuk answered, ‘For a compliment relay.’


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flustered, close to Hongbin’s face, Hakyeon stuttered, ‘I … you’re … you’re beautiful, fiend. Perfect.’
> 
> Hongbin’s thoughts exploded into chaos. _No. No, no, don’t, I’m not, can’t be perfect, don’t_. ‘Stop.’ It was no more than a breath of air. 
> 
> ‘So perfect,’ Hyuk picked up the theme. 
> 
> ‘Stop.’ A tiny gasp.
> 
> “Made for us.’ Hakyeon kissed him over his heart. ‘Perfect for us.’
> 
> ‘Stop. _Stop. Please_.’ He couldn’t get away, so he did the only thing he could, dragged his arms free and hid his face in his hands. Swallowed the desperate noise that tried to pry itself free of his throat, pressed against his eyes, trying to drown out with pain the voice that taunted him. ( _tainted broken filthy_ )

Between kisses, they showered Hakyeon with compliments, trying to outdo each other. Hakyeon blushed beautifully, and slapped at them to stop. ‘Hush, jindallae,’ said Hongbin, capturing the dancer’s hand. He sucked at the fingers, one by one. ‘These are too beautiful to waste on hitting.’ They went on, the compliments getting more and more ridiculous. 

Finally, Hyuk said seriously, ‘That’s why dance was invented, of course. For you, because gravity got jealous that you could fly and wanted to keep you on the ground’. Hongbin burst out laughing, conceding the round. Hakyeon shoved at him, squirmed out from under their legs and straddled Hyuk.

‘Fiend?’ said Hakyeon. ‘Grab him.’

Still laughing Hongbin dragged the maknae into the centre of the bed. Hakyeon quickly laid down next to him, pinning his legs with his own. ‘Your turn,’ said the dancer.

‘Give it your best shot,’ replied Hyuk. 

‘Go ahead,’ said Hongbin.

Hakyeon tried, but the maknae just wasn’t as easily embarrassed. It was clearly frustrating the dancer; every time he gave a compliment, Hyuk simply shrugged, agreed with it and laughed at them. ‘Seriously, is that the best you can do? I’m sad.’ Looking over at Hakyeon, Hongbin saw a wicked gleam in his eyes, and felt his own answering mad smile. 

In a low, sultry voice, Hakyeon said, ‘You know what I love about you, monster? That I can climb you like a _tree_.’ Hyuk’s laugh cut off suddenly; he drew in a sharp breath.

Hongbin leaned in. ‘That I can make your knees weak just by licking my lips.’ Hyuk shifted his hips.

‘That I can touch you everywhere and make you tremble,’ whispered Hakyeon, ghosting his hand over the maknae’s stomach, just skirting his growing erection.

Soft, almost purring, Hongbin murmured, ‘That I can suck you and swallow you down and make you _beg_ me to stop.’ And laughed as Hyuk, breathing unevenly, grabbed him and rutted against his thigh. 

‘Now _you_ ,’ said Hakyeon. As Hyuk pushed Hongbin down onto his back, the dancer climbed over them. Each one hooked a leg over Hongbin’s; he was trapped. Tucking his hands behind his head, Hongbin gave them an insolent smile that said, _do your worst_. Pushed down the anxiety that was starting to creep right through him. 

The smile died when they started; dispensing with the usual build-up of extravagant nonsense, they zeroed in immediately. 

‘You kiss me like you’re starving,’ breathed Hakyeon, pressing against Hongbin’s thigh. There was admiration in his voice; Hongbin stared at the ceiling. _No_. 

‘You melt when I lick your fingers,’ said Hyuk, pulling one of Hongbin’s hands out from behind his head and doing just that. 

Hongbin groaned. ‘ _Don’t_ …’ 

Scarlet, Hakyeon whispered in Hongbin’s ear, ‘You make me want your hands on me every time you look at me.’ He rolled his hips. _Please_ … Hongbin’s chest was growing tight, it was harder to breathe with every word. 

Leaning over him, Hyuk said, ‘You go on your knees for me and it feels so good when I fuck your mouth, Bean.’ _I can’t hear this_. 

Flustered, close to Hongbin’s face, Hakyeon stuttered, ‘I … you’re … you’re beautiful, fiend. Perfect.’ 

Hongbin’s thoughts exploded into chaos. _No. No, no, don’t, I’m not, can’t be perfect, don’t_. ‘Stop.’ It was no more than a breath of air. 

‘So perfect,’ Hyuk picked up the theme. 

‘Stop.’ A tiny gasp. 

'Made for us.’ Hakyeon kissed him over his heart. ‘Perfect for us.’ 

‘Stop. _Stop. Please_.’ He couldn’t get away, so he did the only thing he could, dragged his arms free and hid his face in his hands. Swallowed the desperate noise that tried to pry itself free of his throat, pressed against his eyes, trying to drown out with pain the voice that taunted him. ( _tainted broken filthy_ ) 

Hakyeon tugged at his hands. ‘Hongbin?’ He clamped his fingers tighter, digging them into his face. _Don’t touch me_. The dancer made a low, anguished sound. 

‘Bean? Bean? What’s wrong?’ Hyuk, trying to pull him into his arms. Hongbin lay like dead weight. 

Voice choked by tears, Hakyeon whimpered, ‘It _hurts_ ’. _Damn you_ , thought Hongbin, _damn you, get away from me_. He’d tried so hard to keep it from them, undone by stupid, untrue compliments, undone by Hakyeon. How could he stop someone who could feel what he felt, yet who ignored what he was? 

‘Don’t. Please. I’m -’ _stoppushitdownshutup_. ( _tell them_ ) ‘I’m not who you think I am.’ The words were out before he could cram them back down. ‘You shouldn’t touch me.’ 

Hakyeon, crooning to him: ‘Hongbin, Hongbinnie,’ just like before, no defence against that. ‘You are my fiend, and you are beautiful, and I love you.’ He shook his head wildly. 

‘Love you, Bean.’ Hyuk was still trying to pull his hands away. ‘Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.’ 

_I’m not, what does he mean_ , but Hongbin’s face was wet and there were tears trickling out from under his fingers. He felt his mouth against his hands, trying to stretch into that insane grin. ( _you knew this was coming_ ) It was too late, it was over. ( _you owe them the truth_ ) He could stop pretending ( _tell them how you lie to them_ ), lose everything. From behind his hands, Hongbin told them everything. How he’d hidden himself away to be a walking lie. The hookups. The quick and dirty sex with strangers, sneaking out and stumbling back home. Spinning further and further out of control, so sure he knew what he was doing. Tempting fate, unable to stop. ‘I lied to you,’ he cried. ‘To everyone. I lied about everything.’ 

Sadly, unexpectedly, Hyuk said, ‘I know.’ 

‘ _What_?’ 

‘I keep telling you, Bean, I’m not _blind_.’ Hyuk made a frustrated noise. ‘I knew you were going out at night. I wasn’t sure why at first, but I could hear a phone going off in your room, not your usual phone. And … you changed, Bean. It was like you stopped caring about anything else.’ 

‘I was - I _am_ a fucking idiot,’ said Hongbin savagely. ‘It was the risk. The danger.’ His voice dropped to an ashamed whisper. ‘I … I liked it. But -’ Horrified, he shoved his palm against his mouth, _can’t say that, pushitdown_. 

‘That’s not all,’ said Hakyeon. ‘Tell us.’ 

‘I can’t. I can’t. You said I never had to tell you. I _can’t_ , Hakyeon. Don’t make me,’ he begged, hating the way he was pleading with them. As though he deserved mercy. 

‘You did get hurt,’ said Hyuk, tone curiously flat, but so much anger behind it. 

‘It was my fault. I deserved it.’ They needed to know that, at least. _Walk away now, leave me, don’t leave_. Hongbin felt Hakyeon’s lips on the backs of his hands, two soft kisses. _Don’t, don’t let me hurt you._ His hands were taken, placed on Hakyeon’s face. He was unmasked, couldn’t look at them, kept his eyes tightly shut. _What are you doing?_

Hakyeon’s voice shaded light, breathy. ‘Fiend. Tell me. Show me.’ ( _no, get away from us_ ) Hongbin shook his head again, but there was no way he could deny Hakyeon. Not any more. It all came barrelling back, his stupidity, his drunken bravado, his terror when it all spiralled out of control. The _pain_. ‘It _hurts_ ,’ cried Hakyeon again. Then Hyuk’s hand covered his, and by the maknae’s sharp intake of breath, Hongbin knew he was feeling it, too. Sharing it. Hongbin tried to twist away, his hands falling from Hakyeon’s face. He loved them; he couldn’t do this to them. _My fault, my fault, don’t look at me_ ( _look at you_ ). 

‘Oh, _Bean_ ,’ groaned Hyuk. 

‘Stop it.’ Hakyeon’s voice was sharp. ‘You were stupid.’ _I know, I know_. Hongbin shook, waited for them to leave him. Hakyeon leaned close, moved his hands to lie against Hongbin’s cheeks. ‘You were reckless, you didn’t stop to think - but Hongbinnie, you didn’t ask for what he did to you.’ 

‘I did, I wanted it, I went with him.' 

Hyuk stroked his hair. Low and angry, he said, ‘ _No one_ asks for that. I swear to you, Bean, if I ever find him -’ 

Finally daring to open his eyes, Hongbin looked from one to the other. Seeking judgment, disgust, the end. All he saw was fierce, accepting love. ‘You can’t.’ 

‘Can’t what?’ Hyuk’s jaw was set. ‘Can’t love you? You don’t make that decision.’ 

Hakyeon kissed Hongbin between his eyes. ‘Poor fiend, this was in you all along, wasn’t it?’ Hongbin could only stare, mute. ‘You cannot make us love you any less. We will never turn you away - or let you walk away. You are ours.’ 

‘ _All_ ours,’ said Hyuk, with just the briefest grin. 

Hakyeon rested his forehead against Hongbin’s. ‘Give it to me, Hongbinnie. Let me take it away from you.’ ( _no)_

Hyuk, cupping his hands around Hongbin’s face: ‘Give it to us.’ ( _don't_ ) 

‘I can’t.' 

‘Trust,’ said Hakyeon. ‘Let go.’ 

It grew in his throat, unbearable, aching pressure, tearing its way out. He sobbed; Hakyeon was there, sealing his lips to Hongbin’s, breathing in all the poison that he’d pushed down. The dancer threw out a hand, and Hyuk grabbed it. _Let go_. Hongbin stiffened, arched, _screamed_ into Hakyeon’s mouth. The dancer whimpered, once; Hyuk threw himself against them both, growling. It was going, oh god, leaving him, drawn out by Hakyeon, torn to pieces by Hyuk, dissolving. Hakyeon breathed into his mouth, soothing, letting Hongbin see himself through their eyes. Wanted - _why do there have to be rules_. Needed - _you are breath to me_. Loved. He felt like he should be crying, but there were no tears left in him, no voice mocking him, even the ever-present laughter in his head dying away, leaving just warmth, blooming. 

And _finally_ , he was clear, didn’t need to hold back anymore. No longer afraid that he would somehow taint his lovers, Hongbin let himself show how he could really love them. 

  
[](https://ibb.co/s9YRMn5)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And _finally_ , he was clear, didn’t need to hold back anymore. No longer afraid that he would somehow taint his lovers, Hongbin let himself show how he could really love them. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Hakyeon pulled them to him, held them close. Hongbin closed his eyes; it was going to take time, but they would be with him. All the way. ‘I love you,’ he murmured. _You saved me_.

And _finally_ , he was clear, didn’t need to hold back anymore. No longer afraid that he would somehow taint his lovers, Hongbin let himself show how he could really love them. 

He rose up over them as they lay face up, side by side. Sitting with one knee between each of their legs, Hongbin moved from one to the other, kissing, licking, grazing their nipples with his teeth while his hands teased and stroked. Curling over Hakyeon, he lowered his head until he was just hovering above the dancer’s cock, and held eye contact as he took him, deep. Hakyeon moaned helplessly, ‘Oh, I love your _mouth_.’

Hongbin slowly drew back until just the head of Hakyeon’s cock was between his lips, flicked his tongue over it, tasting him. He felt Hyuk’s hand on his head and, without looking, reached up to encourage the maknae to tug on his hair. Eyes closing, he dipped his head again, sucked hard and slow until Hakyeon twisted and tightened under him. Pulling away quickly, he turned to Hyuk, ran his lips along the side of his shaft and took him into his mouth. Laughed, low in his throat, when Hyuk’s hips kicked up involuntarily; felt the familiar, welcome ache in his chest as he heard Hyuk moan his name. Hongbin brought him close, then let him slip from his mouth and sat up again.

Hyuk let out a frustrated groan. ‘ _Fuck_. You fucking fiend.’ 

He reached out, but Hongbin avoided his hands. ‘I love you, too’ he said, smiling stupidly . It felt so damn _good_ to just be himself. 

He bent over Hakyeon again, only to be brought up short as the dancer held him by both arms. _Oh god, too far?_ But there was nothing but desire in Hakyeon’s gaze. ‘I want you,’ Hakyeon whispered, trembling.

Hongbin stared down at him; he’d wanted to do that for so long, but always held himself back. Was Hakyeon really asking? ‘You want …’

Hakyeon moaned, ‘Want you. In me. Want you inside me.’

‘ _God_ , yes,’ said Hyuk roughly.

Still, Hongbin hesitated, but Hakyeon was pawing at him now. Hyuk took hold of Hongbin’s hand and sucked at his fingers, one by one, sending shivers through him. 

Hongbin pulled his hand back. ‘Stop,’ he said breathlessly to Hyuk. ‘If you want this to happen, stop.’ Hyuk looked mutinous, the effect rather spoiled by his self-satisfied smile. 

‘One day, Bean, I’m going to do that to you when we’re in the van - and _not_ stop.’ 

The idea made Hongbin’s pulse race; with an effort, he controlled his breathing. ‘In the drawer,’ he ordered, and Hyuk rummaged until he found the bottle of lube and a foil of condoms. ‘Now …’ Hongbin pulled Hakyeon up to a sitting position, kissed him, hands roaming. ‘Grab him, monster.’ Hyuk caught the dancer around the waist and pulled him to one side, kissing the side of his neck. Hongbin quickly laid down on his back, already shaking with anticipation. He ached to touch, but kept his hands down, fighting to stay calm. Was nearly undone when he felt Hakyeon settle on his thighs.

Hongbin groaned, reached out to hold Hyuk’s arm, said breathlessly, ‘You can do this?’ Wide-eyed, Hyuk nodded and positioned himself directly behind Hakyeon, hand on his back, encouraging him to lean forward. Hakyeon stiffened, moaned, almost fell. ‘Slow, monster,’ said Hongbin. ‘Slow. Relax, jindallae, breathe.’ Hakyeon’s face went slack, and Hongbin felt him tentatively push backwards. ‘That’s it, slow, open up for him, for me.’ Just looking at Hakyeon, moving more freely, colour high, wound him tight. _So beautiful, I nearly lost you_. The thought was unbearable. ‘Another,’ and Hyuk stared at him over Hakyeon’s shoulder.

‘Do it,’ gasped Hakyeon. Hongbin could feel him trembling, whispered soothing noises to him. ‘Oh, this feels …’ He caught his breath as Hongbin gently tugged the blindfold up over his eyes again. ‘Please, oh please, Hongbin.’

Hongbin, eager and shaking, fumbled with the condom. He held out a cupped hand towards Hyuk, but the maknae ignored it, reaching around Hakyeon to run a slick hand down over Hongbin’s cock. Unexpected, almost too much. ‘Guide him, monster.’ He saw Hyuk’s hands clasp Hakyeon’s hips, lining him up. Then Hongbin was pushing in, slippery, tight, it was everything he’d imagined ... better, because Hakyeon was warm against his body, thighs quivering, breathing Hongbin’s name. 

Hyuk rocked Hakyeon’s hips gently so that the dancer took a little more of Hongbin each time. Hongbin fought not to move, fought to keep his eyes open, drinking in the sight of Hakyeon moving above him, shift of muscles under his skin, sheen of sweat, lips bitten red. Hakyeon threw his head back on Hyuk’s shoulder, sightless, shuddering. Hyuk was rolling his own hips now, grinding against Hakyeon; Hongbin cried out as the pressure pushed Hakyeon down on him. Completely engulfed, unable keep still, Hongbin reached out to cover Hyuk’s hands with his own. He moved one around to wrap around Hakyeon’s cock, and hissed as Hakyeon groaned, clenched involuntarily around him. _Hold on_.

Hongbin, voice ragged, panted, ‘All for you … everything for you, always.’ He used his hand to make Hyuk stroke Hakyeon faster, the dancer’s breathless cries scaling higher. 

Hyuk, eyes fixed on Hongbin, mouth by the dancer’s ear, murmured, ‘Come for us, Hakyeon.’

Hongbin snapped his hip upwards, groaned. ‘Come, I want to feel you, _come now_.’

Hakyeon reached up and tore off the blindfold, staring at Hongbin, grabbing at their hands. A cry that was almost a scream broke from him; Hongbin felt him jerk and pulse, flooding into their hands, felt him spasming. It dragged him close to the edge, but it was for Hakyeon, all for him, so he held on as the dancer rode out his orgasm and finally collapsed against Hyuk. 

Gently, Hyuk cradled Hakyeon, helped him to lay down beside Hongbin. Drenched in sweat, shaking, desperately hard, Hongbin tried to control his breathing. He saw Hyuk reach to take the condom, and put out a hand to stop him. ‘Not yet … give me a minute.’ He put his arm over his eyes, a reflex, hiding but utterly exposed. They moved around him; he heard Hakyeon’s sudden intake of breath, a muttered apology from Hyuk. Felt a towel brush against his leg, and shuddered. Slowly, he pulled himself back far enough to reach down and remove the condom, still blocking his eyes with his other arm.

Hakyeon laid a soft hand on his arm; he flinched involuntarily. ‘Fiend? What do you need?’

He’d been feeling it build in him, almost overwhelming, but still so much fear, even now. Blind, he tried to say it, ‘Hyukkie …’ His nerve failed him.

Hyuk, laying beside him: ‘Anything, Bean.’ 

Hakyeon, on his other side: ‘Ask.’

‘Please … please, monster …’ Hongbin faltered. _Say it, you have to say it_ , the final step, and he was so tired of being scared. ‘Come into me.’

Hakyeon’s hand tightened. He asked, tentatively, ‘Are you sure?’ 

‘Yes. _Yes_. Take it away from me. Love me.’

‘I have you, Hongbinnie,’ said Hakyeon, soothing. You’re safe, I won’t let you fall.’ That was almost enough to undo Hongbin, because it took him right back to crying in Hakyeon’s arms on the floor of that dance studio. He dragged in an unsteady breath, gripped by an urge to simply say, _I’ve changed my mind_. 

Then Hyuk kissed him, hard, forehead resting on the arm across his eyes. ‘Love you, Bean,’ he whispered, and kissed his way down Hongbin’s chest, sucking at his nipples. Hongbin, pulled sharply high again, writhed, reached out blindly for Hakyeon.

‘Please.’ _Feel what I can’t say_.

Sudden cool air against his side as Hakyeon shifted down the bed, but Hyuk was immediately there, kissing Hongbin’s upturned palm, pressing against him. Hongbin felt Hakyeon settle between his legs, and deliberately spread wider. Hakyeon’s hands were tentative, barely touching. ‘You won’t hurt me,’ Hongbin said, and gasped as Hakyeon’s slim fingers pushed into him, his other hand stroking the inside of Hongbin’s thigh. ‘God, _yes_.’ Their hands were on him, Hyuk was kissing him, both of them murmuring words of love and praise, and Hongbin gave himself up to them, let them pull him high. ‘Yes … yes … now, monster, _now_.’

Hyuk tried to go slow, be gentle, but Hongbin felt himself starting to stretch and arched upwards in Hakyeon’s arms instinctively, pulled Hyuk down into him.

 _Pain_. For a moment Hongbin was back in that room with its red, peeling walls, and he froze, heart hammering. _Too much, too far, I can’t_. Hakyeon caught him, held him tight. ‘Wait,’ breathed the dancer, ‘wait’. Hongbin felt Hyuk still, trembling with the effort. ‘It’s all right, it’s all right, we can stop,’ Hakyeon said. 

Hongbin forced himself to breathe deeply. _Not back there, leave it behind, I’m safe_.

‘Love you.’ Hyuk’s voice, rough with desire, but nothing dangerous, not to him. That sense again of a presence overlaying Hyuk - _part_ of him - _my monster. He’ll never hurt me_. 

‘Hongbinnie?’ Hakyeon, all warmth and love. ‘Do you want to stop?’ 

‘I’m all right,’ Hongbin whispered. ‘You’ve got me. I need this, please, monster. Go. Go.’

Hyuk eased further into him; still a little pain, but welcome now, so full, and still Hyuk pushed in, as deep as he could go. Arm clamped across his face, gasping, Hongbin bowed back so far that his hips rose up off the bed, felt Hyuk’s arm slip under him and pull him even closer. Almost too much, already … and then Hyuk started to move in him. 

Overwhelming, driving, what he’d needed for so long, only now able to trust. Hongbin was all sensation, all instinct; moaning, holding on to Hakyeon for dear life, bringing his legs up around Hyuk and twisting under him. He felt everything, heard everything. Lost himself in them. 

Hakyeon moaned in his ear, ‘Oh … you’re so close, I can _feel you_.’ Hongbin felt Hakyeon’s hand slip between them, taking hold of his cock, sliding it through his fingers. Rough, only sweat between them, and it was exactly what Hongbin needed. He felt Hyuk falter and lose his rhythm, slam forward fast, hard, pushing him right to the edge. _Need to see you_. Hongbin dragged his arm away from his eyes and moaned at the sight of Hyuk, eyes closed, flushed. ‘Beautiful monster …’

Hyuk groaned helplessly. ‘I can’t hold … ‘

Hakyeon reached out and splayed one hand on Hyuk’s chest, his other still holding Hongbin. ‘Come, monster. Come, fiend. Bring us home.’

Hyuk dropped his head, shoved in and held himself deep inside Hongbin, groaning helplessly. Hongbin felt it start, trembling in his thigh muscles, spreading out through his whole body. Blindly, he turned his head and captured Hakyeon’s lips. He could feel everything, drowned in sensations, Hyuk’s cock, Hakyeon’s hand on him, felt Hyuk pulse inside him. He cried out against Hakyeon’s mouth, convulsed, shattering, Hakyeon moaning in his ear, Hyuk falling forward onto him.

‘Come here,’ Hongbin begged. ‘Come here, both of you, I love you, I love you, kiss me.’

They kissed him through the aftershocks, held him as he shuddered and twitched, told him over and over that he was precious, was loved, until finally, he believed.

An endless time later, tangled around each other, drifting …

‘Have you guessed who won, yet?’ asked Hyuk.

Almost asleep, Hakyeon replied, ‘Won what?’

‘Kai-bai-bo, of course.’

‘I thought we stopped playing,’ said the dancer. ‘I have no idea.’

‘You did get distracted,’ said Hongbin. ‘That happens so easily.’ He leaned down and kissed Hakyeon until he was breathless, hands moving all over his body. Ignoring Hakyeon’s whimper of protest, Hyuk joined in. The two of them quickly had the exhausted dancer trembling all over again. ‘See? Distracted.’

‘I don’t think he’s going to guess,’ said Hyuk, lightly trailing his fingers up the inside of Hakyeon’s thighs. 

‘Not if you keep doing that, he won’t.’ Smiling, Hongbin kissed Hakyeon softly between the eyes, brought his mouth to his ear. ‘We tied.’

‘We’ll always tie,’ whispered Hyuk in the other ear. 

Hakyeon pulled them to him, held them close. Hongbin closed his eyes; it was going to take time, but they would be with him. All the way. ‘I love you,’ he murmured. _You saved me_.

Hakyeon stroked their faces. ‘My fiend. My monster.’ 

Hongbin couldn’t help himself. He raised his head and grinned down at Hakyeon. ‘Our jindallae.’ Exasperated, the dancer slapped at him.

‘Can I _please_ have another name?’

‘Well,’ said Hyuk, considering it. ‘Since you asked so nicely - ‘

‘No,’ said Hongbin.

Hakyeon laughed. ‘I give up,’ he sighed.

‘Oh _good_ ’ said Hongbin, and held them both close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end of Hongbin's story! (Or at least, the first part of his story ... somehow he's turned into a major character in this series.)
> 
> Sorry it was late, I really wanted to make this last chapter as good as I possibly could (hopefully, it works).
> 
> Thank you for your lovely comments and kudos and subscriptions - feedback is love, and I feel very, very loved now.
> 
> Stay tuned for more of _Shinbyeong_ ... next up, we return to Wontaek and the angel!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Road Not Taken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16460222) by [crazyjane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane)
  * [No Heart For Me Like Yours](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16465988) by [crazyjane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane)
  * [Echoes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18097970) by [crazyjane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane)




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